Jokes of the day

301 - 400

Jay Leno

There is this rumor that the administration made a deal with the Saudis to lower gas prices before the election. President Bush was asked today if there was any quid pro quo with the Saudis. He said I wouldn't know, I don't speak Saudi Arabian.

--Jay Leno

President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out.

--Jay Leno

President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney answered questions before the 9/11 commission ... They did not testify under oath, there was no videotape, no audiotape, not even a stenographer writing down the questions or the answers; there's no record of any kind; kind of like President Bush's National Guard service.

--Jay Leno

10/27/2004 Wednesday #321 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

Republican Senator Chuck Hagel says it may be time to reinstate the draft. When President Bush heard about that, he said, 'Uh oh, does that mean I have to go back to Alabama?

--Jay Leno

This coalition in Iraq is not holding up well. ... It's kind of ironic. All these foreign countries are willing to take every American job accept this one.

--Jay Leno

President Bush told the Iraqi people 'We are not going to cut and run while I am in office.' Today the Iraqi people said 'What about next year when you're not in office?'

--Jay Leno

10/26/2004 Tuesday #320 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

In his book, Woodward said that the Saudis knew we were going to war with Iraq before Colin Powell did. Hey, big deal, the Saudis knew about 9/11 before we did.

--Jay Leno

On '60 Minutes' on last Sunday Bob Woodward suggested that the main reason President Bush took the country to war is that he thinks he's on a mission from God. Of course the problem with that is, it's also Osama bin Laden's reason.

--Jay Leno

John Kerry has three Purple Hearts for his war wounds and Dick Cheney has one Purple Heart from deep dish pizza.

--Jay Leno

10/25/2004 Monday #319 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

Today, the Bush administration said the terrorist organization Hamas should be put out of business. And if there's one thing the Bush administration knows, it's how to put people out of business.

--Jay Leno

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today passed a bill that would help put hydrogen-fueled cars on California roads by the year 2010. This bill is a way of putting out tentative feelers to see if hydrogen cars will be viable. Tentative feelers? Isn't that how Arnold got in trouble in the first place?

--Jay Leno

Kerry says he wants someone who's pro-choice, who supports affirmative action, and who is against George Bush's war in Iraq. So he could pick Colin Powell.

--Jay Leno

10/24/2004 Sunday #318 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

A new poll shows that most college students would rather have President Bush as a roommate than John Kerry. Yeah, but which one would you rather cheat off of in class?

--Jay Leno

Our old friend independent candidate Ralph Nader says he thinks the draft is coming back. ... But then again, Ralph thinks he's coming back.

--Jay Leno

Colin Powell warned President Bush that if he went to war, he would own Iraq's 25 million people and all their hopes and problems. He said, 'You will own it all,' to which Dick Cheney said, 'Ooh, does that include the oil wells?'

--Jay Leno

10/23/2004 Saturday #317 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by 'American Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol?' See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins.

--Jay Leno

President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year.

--Jay Leno

We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year.

--Jay Leno

10/22/2004 Friday #316 (thanks to no sleep)

Jon Stewart

After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.'

--Jon Stewart

Spain's new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.

--Jon Stewart

With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World.

--Jon Stewart

10/21/2004 Thursday #315 (thanks to no sleep)

Conan O'Brien

This week, President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released their tax returns. Cheney made more money than the president. When asked about it, the president said, 'That's true, but he also made more decisions.'

--Conan O'Brien

In an interview yesterday, Maria Shriver said that Arnold Schwarzenegger is 'more compassionate and considerate than he has ever been.' Yeah, for example, now when he grabs a breast, he always cuddles afterwards.

--Conan O'Brien

Today in New Mexico, Senator John Kerry spent the day reading children's books to a bunch of kindergarteners. Yeah, after hearing about it, President Bush went, 'Show off!'

--Conan O'Brien

10/20/2004 Wednesday #314 (thanks to no sleep)

David Letterman

President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo.

--David Letterman

Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night.

--David Letterman

Two big announcements coming out of Washington D.C. The tour of duty for 20,000 troops in Iraq may be extended. That's too bad. And the other announcement, the tour of duty for President Bush may not be extended.

--David Letterman

10/19/2004 Tuesday #313 (thanks to no sleep)

Jimmy Kimmel

Independent candidate Ralph Nader says he thinks the draft is coming back. He claims the federal government is secretly putting draft boards back together, and if you're between the ages of 18 and 36, you're eligible. I'm talking to you, Private Timberlake. President Bush immediately re-enlisted in the National Guard, just to be safe.

--Jimmy Kimmel

The adult film industry has shut down all production because two of their stars have tested positive for HIV. Governor Schwarzenegger has of course declared a state of emergency and President Bush says we may have to dip into our porn reserve.

--Jimmy Kimmel

The big story continues to be the torment of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. troops ... Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's been getting a lot of heat. Up until today, a lot of people thought he might step down or get pushed out, but this morning, President Bush said Rumsfeld's doing a 'superb' job. Wait until he finds out 'superb' means 'good.'

--Jimmy Kimmel

10/18/2004 Monday #312 (thanks to no sleep)

David Letterman

CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk.

--David Letterman

I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again.

--David Letterman

It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam.

--David Letterman

10/17/2004 Sunday #311 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

The argument continues about President Bush and whether he did anything about that memo. You know, the famous memo that said terrorists are planning a major attack inside the United States. Actually, it turns out that Bush was more concerned about another urgent memo he got from Attorney General John Ashcroft saying that two gay guys in San Francisco may be planning to get married.

--Jay Leno

President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.

--Jay Leno

In his press conference the other night, President Bush said that freedom is a gift from the almighty and we have been called by God to use our military power to spread freedom throughout the world. Then he called that al Sadr guy in Iraq a religious nutcase. He also said God is in favor of a cut in the capital gains tax.

--Jay Leno

10/16/2004 Saturday #310 (thanks to no sleep)

Craig Kilborn

Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, saved a guy's life who was drowning in Hawaii. And just to be safe, he performed mouth to mouth on the guy's wife.

--Craig Kilborn

At the White House today, President Bush was answering questions about Iraq and said that he's worried the violence in Fall-u-jah will spread to other parts of the country he can't pronounce.

--Craig Kilborn

After last week's press conference, President Bush was given a $10,000 fine from the FCC for repeating the word Shiite.

--Craig Kilborn

10/15/2004 Friday #309 (thanks to no sleep)

Conan O'Brien

Senator Ted Kennedy said that Iraq was President Bush's 'Vietnam.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'That's not true; I went to Iraq.'

--Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq.

--Conan O'Brien

In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'

--Conan O'Brien

10/14/2004 Thursday #308 (thanks to no sleep)

David Letterman

President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense he wants to know what was going on, too.

--David Letterman

President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20.

--David Letterman

Every Monday after Easter, they have the big Easter Egg hunt at the White House. This is interesting, the kids out there found strong evidence of Easter Eggs, but no actual eggs.

--David Letterman

10/13/2004 Wednesday #307 (thanks to no sleep)

Top 10 Reasons for Bush

TOP 10 REASONS TO RE-APPOINT BUSH:

10) Because you don't change horsemen mid-Apocalypse.

09) Because the deficit is not growing fast enough.

08) Because corporations are people too.

07) Because the other guy is distracted by healthcare, education, and the environment.

06) Because 1.7 million jobs lost is just a start.

05) Because never has one American done so much, for so few, at the expense of so many.

04) Because there's a lot more of our oil still trapped under their soil.

03) Because second-rate people don't deserve a first-rate education.

02) Because global warming means better tans.

and the top reason is...

01) Because Fox News told me to.

10/12/2004 Tuesday #306 (thanks to Rich K.)

Top 10 Reasons for Iraq

Top 10 reasons we ended up in Iraq

10. Texans think war is sort of like football, but not so serious.

09. A one-letter spelling error in Bush speech to the nation.

08. Half off sale on smart bombs at Wal-Mart.

07. To promote Dubya from Lieutenant-Deserter to Commander in Chief.

06. Dubya missed the feel of throwing the switch on convicts.

05. Bar made him.

04. Not to worry. Jesus will fix it.

03. God said so, that's why.

02. So dumb he can't tell a tall, thin, bearded fanatic from a pudgy, mustachioed dictator.

and the top reason is...

01. Boys will be boys!

10/11/2004 Monday #305 (thanks to Rich K.)

SNL

In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'

Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

10/09/2004 Friday #303 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

The White House Easter Egg Hunt will be open to the public but President Bush will not be there. Well sure. How embarrassing would that be? It's bad enough he can't find weapons of mass destruction, what if he can't find any eggs either?

--Jay Leno

Rupert Murdoch, the owner of Fox News, has announced that he will support President Bush's re-election. Really, it's so hard to tell from the news coverage.

--Jay Leno

It was initially reported that President Bush did not watch the hearings yesterday. Turns out that is not true. President Bush watched the TV coverage live from his ranch in Texas. He was able to watch, apparently, because yesterday 'Sponge Bob Square Pants' was a re-run.

--Jay Leno

10/08/2004 Friday #302 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

Condoleezza Rice testified this morning before the 9-11 commission. Or as they're calling it in Washington 'The Passion of the Rice'. ... She did a great job. It is not easy raising your right hand while you're trying to cover your ass as the same time.

--Jay Leno

Condoleezza Rice said Saudi Arabia is 'fully enlisted in the war on terrorism.' Yeah. So fully, they're on both sides of it.

--Jay Leno

I read something interesting about Condoleezza Rice today. They said she was actually Methodist but became a Presbyterian. You know what that means, she's a converted rice.

--Jay Leno

10/07/2004 Thursday #301 (thanks to no sleep)

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