Jokes of the day

0201 - 0300

Jay Leno

Here's the latest forecast for Iraq: Sunni today but tomorrow it will turn to Shi'ite.

--Jay Leno

The United States has just announced we will begin photographing and fingerprinting every visitor to the United States even those from our allied nations. Isn't that unbelievable? We still have allies?

--Jay Leno

President bush has begun an Easter week vacation in Crawford, Texas. This is part of his plan to get in touch with ordinary Americans and see what it's like to be at home not working.

--Jay Leno

10/05/2004 Tuesday #299 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?

--Jay Leno

Ralph Nader has called for President Bush to be impeached for deceiving the American people about the war in Iraq. Ralph Nader wants Bush impeached? Hey Ralph Nader got him elected in the first place. If it wasn't for Ralph Nader we wouldn't have this problem!

--Jay Leno

The good news from Iraq is we brought the Shi'ites and Sunnis together. The bad news: they formed an army.

--Jay Leno

10/04/2004 Monday #298 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

According Time magazine, Condoleezza Rice has been rehearsing for her appearance this week before the 9/11 commission. They say she has been practicing her answers by having her aides ask her questions. Wouldn't be easier just to tell the truth? Then you wouldn't have to remember the answer.

--Jay Leno

Before President Bush threw out the first pitch, the White House released a statement saying the president had been suffering from a sore shoulder. You know, can't Bush do anything about the White House downplaying expectations?

--Jay Leno

Vice President Dick Cheney threw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds opening game. And President Bush, he threw out the first pitch at the Cardinals opener. Well it's nice to see they have the time for that kind of stuff now that everything is under control in Iraq.

--Jay Leno

10/03/2004 Sunday #297 (thanks to no sleep)

Craig Kilborn

George Bush handed over power to the Iraqis. Then they asked Bush where he's going now and he said, 'I'm invading Disneyland.'

--Craig Kilborn

Cheney's temper got the best of him last week when he told Vermont Senator Pat Leahy to 'go F yourself' on the Senate floor. Wow that's so out of character. He seems like such a peach. ... Afterwards President Bush would not comment on Cheney's outburst adding, 'You think I want that psycho coming after me.' ... Dick Cheney does have a history of swearing, but usually he's clutching his chest and falling down.

--Craig Kilborn

Have you heard about the controversial film 'Fahrenheit 911?' I hope George Bush is not too angry about this film. No one wants to see Michael Moore in a naked pyramid.

--Craig Kilborn

10/02/2004 Saturday #296 (thanks to no sleep)

Craig Kilborn

John Kerry picked John Edwards to be his running mate. What a contrast to Dick Cheney. John Edwards is charismatic, he's confident, he's charming. And Cheney spent the weekend going, 'You want to see my scar?'

--Craig Kilborn

Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him. Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls.

--Craig Kilborn

This was nice, President Bush wished the Iraqis God's grace on their road to democracy. And then Vice President Cheney told them to go F-themselves.

--Craig Kilborn

10/01/2004 Friday #295 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

President Bush said he is close to naming a new CIA director because the current CIA director George Tenet has announced that he is leaving that post this Sunday. In a related story, the agents at the CIA said, 'What? Tenet is leaving?!'

--Jay Leno

As soon as Edwards was announced the Republicans put out a new attack ad calling him unaccomplished. He was born poor and became a multi-millionaire. To Republicans isn't that the definition of accomplished?

--Jay Leno

In the Senate Vice President Dick Cheney got so mad at Senator Patrick Leahy, he told Leahy to go F-himself. Leahy said it's OK. Cheney was just having a bad day, which really isn't true. I mean a bad day for Cheney is what, like three heart attacks.

--Jay Leno

09/30/2004 Thursday #294 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

John Kerry says that John Edwards is ready to be vice president. Ready? It takes a blue suit and pulse to be ready! And we know that Dick Cheney proved that you don't even need the pulse.

--Jay Leno

Our vice presidential choices are John Edwards versus Dick Cheney. We've got a heartthrob versus a heart attack.

--Jay Leno

This Edwards guy, he's going to be trouble for the Bush-Cheney ticket. He's charismatic, and that's going to hurt Cheney. And he can speak, and that's going to hurt Bush.

--Jay Leno

09/29/2004 Wednesday #293 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

Kerry is hoping that Edwards will bring in a lot of the female vote because of the way he looks. So Cheney and Edwards are both going after voter's hearts but Cheney is looking for a donor.

--Jay Leno

After seven years as CIA Director, George Tenet officially resigned as of yesterday. His final words of advice to the agency were 'Keep an eye out for this bin Laden fella, he could be trouble.'

--Jay Leno

The big story in Washington is that the Bush administration is desperate to find Osama bin Laden before the election. They are said to be using all means possible to find him. In fact today they typed his name into Google, which is a start.

--Jay Leno

09/28/2004 Tuesday #292 (thanks to no sleep)

Jon Stewart

(Terrorists) are planning to disrupt our democratic process. It's scary I know, but we're not going to let al Qaeda tell us what to do. In fact, our government has decided that if al Qaeda attempts to disrupt our democratic process, we are going to respond by disrupting it first." Jon Stewart

09/27/2004 Monday #291 (thanks to no sleep)

David letterman

John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president.

--David letterman

Dick Cheney was at the ball game last night. During the 7th inning they showed him on the jumbotron at Yankee Stadium and everyone started booing him. You know Dick Cheney has a temper. He went a little crazy and went around the stadium and grabbed everyone that booed him and then he ran them all around naked on a leash.

--David letterman

Iraq has taken over custody of Saddam Hussein. On Thursday Saddam will face a judge. On Friday he should be president again.

--David letterman

09/26/2004 Sunday #290 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

Here's something shocking according to the latest issue of Newsweek magazine: The Bush administration officials are reviewing a proposal that would allow for the postponement of the presidential election in the event of a catastrophe. You know, like Kerry winning.

--Jay Leno

I love that the Department of Homeland Security always tells Americans if you don't fly commercial airlines, 'the terrorists have won.' If you don't hold the Super Bowl or the World Series, 'the terrorists have won.' If you don't get out to the mall and do your Christmas shopping, 'the terrorists have won.' Comes time for the election, 'Oh, let the terrorists have that one.'

--Jay Leno

President Reagan's son Ron Reagan is going to be a featured speaker at the Democratic convention. President Bush says he is not worried. He said, 'Who wants to listen to the son of a former president speak at a convention?'

--Jay Leno

09/25/2004 Saturday #289 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

It was so hot today, executives from the NAACP tried to meet with President Bush just so they could get the cold shoulder.

--Jay Leno

In fact it was so hot today, Bush said, 'That's it. We may have to postpone the presidential election.'

--Jay Leno

Imagine if they delay the election. This could mean that Bush would be the longest serving president never to get elected.

--Jay Leno

09/24/2004 Friday #288 (thanks to no sleep)

David Letterman

The Bush administration may postpone the November election if there's a terrorist attack. If there's a terrorist attack, they may postpone the election. Or, they'll postpone it if there's scattered showers.

--David Letterman

Republicans say they don't want the terrorists to determine the election. No they want the governor of Florida to determine the election.

--David Letterman

President George Bush is very excited to be coming here for the (Republican National) Convention because he's absolutely certain when he comes here, he'll have no trouble finding weapons of mass destruction.

--David Letterman

09/23/2004 Thursday #287 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

Florida officials have announced that this November they will allow felons to vote. You thought Bush stole the election last time. Now he'll be working with pros!

--Jay Leno

A defiant George W. Bush intends to serve two terms in the White House ... Al Gore's and then his.

--Jay Leno

Some polls show John Edwards with higher approval than Dick Cheney. That's pretty amazing, isn't it? For the first time ever, the lawyer is ahead of the guy in the ambulance!

--Jay Leno

09/22/2004 Wednesday #286 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

You know what President Bush and Martha Stewart have in common? They're both afraid of a long sentence!

--Jay Leno

One of Osama bin Laden's chief confidants turned himself in to Saudi Arabian officials yesterday ... He's confined to a wheelchair due to injuries he sustained 10 years ago while fighting in Bosnia and Chechnya. How is it we know more about this guy's military background than we do our own president's? How come his records are still on file and Bush's are not?

--Jay Leno

It's believed that he may know where Osama is. And today, President Bush told him, 'Don't give it away! We want it to be a surprise in November.'

--Jay Leno

09/21/2004 Tuesday #285 (thanks to no sleep)

Craig Kilborn

Now trailing in the polls, President Bush unveiled some new weapons today: his daughters Barbara and Jenna, who have hit the campaign trail with their dad for the first time. In a recent interview, Jenna Bush says she's 'not political' and the electoral process doesn't interest her. Oh, she's daddy's little girl.

--Craig Kilborn

Pollsters say the strategy is very effective: One daughter distracts us from the economy while the other distracts us from the war in Iraq. Barbara just graduated from Yale, and plans to work in the pediatric AIDS program at Baylor University ... until her Dad cuts off the funding.

--Craig Kilborn

The Senate is debating whether to amend the Constitution to ban gay marriage. They want to define marriage as a sacred union between a man and J-Lo.

--Craig Kilborn

09/20/2004 Monday #284 (thanks to no sleep)

Conan O'Brien

President Bush's daughter Jenna is campaigning with the president now and today she stuck her tongue out at reporters. President Bush was so furious at Jenna's childish behavior that he called her a doodie head.

--Conan O'Brien

Vice President Dick Cheney attended his 45th high school reunion. Not surprisingly, during high school Cheney was voted most likely not to live until his 45th high school reunion.

--Conan O'Brien

Big day in the Senate. Earlier today Republicans in the Senate failed to get enough votes to pass an amendment banning gay marriage. Afterwards Republicans said we're not giving up. If we can't ram it down your throats, we'll get it in through the back door.

--Conan O'Brien

09/19/2004 Sunday #283 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

Howard Dean was at the Washington, D.C., airport. He's in a pay phone when a thief reached in and swiped his wallet and ran away. ... Usually when a democratic presidential candidate gets robbed it's not until November.

--Jay Leno

Ralph Nader also made a solo campaign appearance. Except in Ralph's case it meant that he was there by himself.

--Jay Leno

The nation's top election official said the United States will not cancel or postpone the presidential election because of a terrorist attack. He said if there's a problem the Supreme Court will reappoint president Bush immediately rather than waiting two months like they did last time.

--Jay Leno

09/18/2004 Saturday #282 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

In a speech the other day to the Amish, President Bush said that God speaks through him. That's what he said. I don't know, do you think God would mispronounce that many words?

--Jay Leno

President Bush said today he is looking into if Iran had anything to do with 9/11, but he's not declaring war yet. He said first he wants to know all the facts -- so apparently he's trying a new strategy.

--Jay Leno

Governor Schwarzenegger has not apologized for calling Sacramento lawmakers girly men. I'm not surprised. He still hasn't apologized for making that 'Jingle All The Way' movie.

--Jay Leno

09/17/2004 Friday #281 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

There's talk that Vice President Dick Cheney may be dropped from the Republican ticket. There's a good move; lose the smart guy.

--Jay Leno

John Edwards said that Dick Cheney is out of touch with the lives of most Americans. Cheney immediately denied the charge, from his underground bunker in an undisclosed location.

--Jay Leno

The Bush twins are in the August issue of Vogue magazine and they look beautiful. They have these beautiful gowns on. They look very, very nice. The girls said they talked about their father, they said President Bush is an avid teaser of their boyfriends. President Bush likes to tease their boyfriends when they come over. And after he's done teasing them, he has Donald Rumsfeld torture them.

--Jay Leno

09/16/2004 Thursday #280 (thanks to no sleep)

Craig Kilborn

They gave [Bush] the 9/11 report this morning. Already it is in bookstores. How does this happen? Did they delay giving it to the president until the truck gets to B. Dalton? ... Is this a government report on the most horrible thing that's ever happened to this country or the new Harry Potter book? ... It's getting good reviews too. 'If you read only one congressional report critical of the U.S. preparedness for terrorism prior to 9/11 this year, this is it!' Cokie Roberts. 'Well-researched. Convincing.' Osama Bin Laden. 'Totally awesome!' Tony Hawk. ... This weekend President Bush will be signing copies at the Pasadena Barnes and Noble.Jimmy Kimmel

09/15/2004 Wednesday #279 (thanks to no sleep)

Craig Kilborn

To mark the 35th anniversary of the Apollo landing, President Bush met with Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. And then Bush asked, where's Captain Kirk?

--Craig Kilborn

Lot of controversy over Arnold Schwarzenegger calling Democratic opponents 'girlie men.' John Kerry and John Edwards were so stunned they stopped kissing.

--Craig Kilborn

After making obscene comments at a fund-raiser, Whoopi Goldberg was fired as a Slim-Fast spokesperson ... and hired to write for Dick Cheney.

--Craig Kilborn

09/14/2004 Tuesday #278 (thanks to no sleep)

Craig Kilborn

Campaigning in Iowa yesterday President Bush vowed he will not raise taxes in the next four years. He said I believe it is hard, very difficult to raise taxes when you are not president.

--Craig Kilborn

As John Kerry rides John Edwards charisma into the Democratic convention this week, Washington is abuzz that Vice President Cheney might be dropped from the Republican ticket. On the plus side if he doesn't run, Cheney can spend more time ignoring his lesbian daughter.

--Craig Kilborn

White House officials tried to talk to Cheney about softening his image, but have been told never to interrupt him when he's yelling at puppies.

--Craig Kilborn

09/13/2004 Monday #277 (thanks to no sleep)

Craig Kilborn

Back in 2000 a Republican friend warned me that if I voted for Al Gore and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose millions of jobs, and our military would be totally overstretched. You know what? I did vote for Gore, he did win, and I'll be damned if all those things didn't come true!" - James Carville

09/12/2004 Sunday #276 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

The Bush administration announced this week they want to lift the ban on logging. This is part of their No Tree Left Behind program.

--Jay Leno

Two big stories today involve celebrities Arnold Schwarzenegger and Martha Stewart. One is having problems in Sacramento with girly men and the other is going to prison with manly girls.

--Jay Leno

In an interview with ESPN magazine John Kerry said he learned about life by playing sports. Want to know the most frustrating thing about playing sports for Kerry? Finding a helmet that fits.

--Jay Leno

09/11/2004 Saturday #275 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

During the Democratic Convention next week Bill Clinton is scheduled to host a policy briefing at the Wang Theater. Don't they see what his is leading to? That's like the Republicans putting Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Hooters restaurant.

--Jay Leno

As you know the presidential conventions are coming up. You know how much time the major networks are going to devote to convention coverage? Three hours. Three hours total. One hour a night for three nights to pick a president. That's about one-tenth of the time we devote to finding an 'American Idol.'

--Jay Leno

President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.

--Jay Leno

09/10/2004 Friday #274 (thanks to no sleep)

Conan O'Brien

This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearances with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him."
--Conan O'Brien

The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without and competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said "Yes."
--Conan O'Brien

To celebrate the 35th anniversary of the moon landing, President Bush met with Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong. ... There was one awkward moment, when Bush said to Armstrong, 'I hear you're doing great in the Tour-de-France.'
--Conan O'Brien

09/09/2004 Thursday #273 (thanks to no sleep)

Bush Baseball

Before George Bush threw out the first ball before last nights game, he asked, 'Where do you want me on the field? I can take any position.

09/08/2004 Wednesday #272 (thanks to email)

Craig Kilborn

In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there.

--Craig Kilborn

It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses for why we went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us all what a terrific liar Bill Clinton really was.

--Craig Kilborn

President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of golf in Crawford, Texas earlier today. .. This raises the question: Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country and who has had like 20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?

--Craig Kilborn

09/07/2004 Tuesday #271 (thanks to no sleep)

David Letterman

Security's going to be tight at the Republican convention. You'll be frisked, patted down, you'll be groped and that's just by Arnold

--David Letterman

They released the 09/11 report today and President Bush wasted no time not reading it.

--David Letterman

In the 9-11 commission report they say that it was Iran not Iraq that was helping Al Qaeda. So apparently we invaded the wrong country because of a typo!

--David Letterman

09/06/2004 Monday #270 (thanks to no sleep)

David Letterman

There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since President Bush.

--David Letterman

There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.

--David Letterman

President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again.

--David Letterman

09/05/2004 Sunday #269 (thanks to no sleep)

Craig Kilborn

As John Kerry rides John Edwards charisma into the Democratic convention this week, Washington is abuzz that Vice President Cheney might be dropped from the Republican ticket. On the plus side if he doesn't run, Cheney can spend more time ignoring his lesbian daughter.

--Craig Kilborn

White House officials tried to talk to Cheney about softening his image, but have been told never to interrupt him when he's yelling at puppies.

--Craig Kilborn

To mark the 35th anniversary of the Apollo landing, President Bush met with Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. And then Bush asked, where's Captain Kirk?

--Craig Kilborn

09/04/2004 Saturday #268 (thanks to no sleep)

Craig Kilborn

The Democrats have pledged to spend over $250 million to get rid of Bush, and that to me seems excessive. I mean really, all they need is a mountain bike and a pebble.

--Craig Kilborn

As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings.

--Craig Kilborn

Campaigning in Iowa yesterday President Bush vowed he will not raise taxes in the next four years. He said I believe it is hard, very difficult to raise taxes when you are not president.

--Craig Kilborn

09/03/2004 Friday #267 (thanks to no sleep)

Craig Kilborn

This week, G.I. Joe celebrates his 40th birthday. And today, Republicans questioned his military service

--Craig Kilborn

Bush and Kerry tried to plan their schedules so they're not in the same place at the same time. A tradition they started during Vietnam.

--Craig Kilborn

At a Bush rally in Colorado folks stood up and asked questions. It turns out that they were plants. Bush knew the answers in advance. Bush said, 'Hey it worked at Yale.'

--Craig Kilborn

09/02/2004 Thursday #266 (thanks to no sleep)

Craig Kilborn

President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the 'War on Jobs.'

--Craig Kilborn

President Bush officially made his nomination for Director of the CIA: Republican Porter Goss from Florida, who is an ex-CIA agent himself. A bad sign: The potential new head of the CIA said the nomination came as a complete surprise.

--Craig Kilborn

Experts say it will be impossible for Goss to fill George Tenet's shoes and he'll have to settle for being totally wrong just 80 percent of the time.

--Craig Kilborn

09/01/2004 Wednesday #265 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

According to a poll in Time magazine, 53 percent of people say it's time for someone else to be president. The other 47 percent said they were happy with Dick Cheney.

--Jay Leno

This has not been a good year for political quotes. When I was a kid, I remember John F. Kennedy, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.' And those were great quotes. What do we have this year? We had Dick Cheney saying, 'Go f yourself!"'

--Jay Leno

The 09/11 commission report said that the attacks occurred due to the government's failure of imagination. Our government has a great imagination. We imagine weapons of mass destruction, we imagine we catch bin Laden, we thought the Iraqi people would love us. We're Disney."

--Jay Leno

08/31/2004 Tuesday #264 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

A computer crash wiped out voting records from Miami-Dade County's touchscreen voting machines. ... A voting problem in Florida? ... Nooooo! Officials were shocked. They said, 'We had voting records? Who knew?' The good news, officials said this will not impact the election in November. Those votes will be counted and lost by hand!

--Jay Leno

It's now being reported that John Edwards' younger brother, Wesley, turned himself in to the state of Colorado for a warrant relating to a 1993 DUI arrest ... This proves Edwards is presidential. Have you noticed that most presidents have embarrassing brothers? Bill Clinton had Roger Clinton; Jimmy Carter had his brother, Billy Carter. You know the embarrassing brother in the Bush family? George.

--Jay Leno

Democrats were reluctant to allow Al-Jazeera in their convention, because they thought their coverage would be biased and hostile. Then they realized it couldn't be any worse than Fox News.

--Jay Leno

08/30/2004 Monday #263 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

Now that the Democratic convention is over, the Republicans are getting ready for theirs. Their slogan for Bush: Four more wars, four more wars!

--Jay Leno

Did you all hear former President Clinton's speech Monday night? It was great. ... You know it made me kind of nostalgic. It reminded me of a different time when presidents could actually talk.

--Jay Leno

Illinois senatorial candidate Barak Obama, he's the new rising star of the Democratic party. He gave the keynote address at the Democratic convention. When they told President Bush about Obama, Bush said, 'Isn't that the guy we can't find? Why don't we grab him? He was right there!'

--Jay Leno

08/29/2004 Sunday #262 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

Bush is back in DC, that's where he goes when he wants to get away from the ranch for a few weeks.

--Jay Leno

Vice presidential nominee John Edwards really got the crowd going by saying 'Hope is on the way.' That's his new theme, 'Hope is on the way.' But see that means different things to different people. For example, when you tell President Bush hope is on the way, well that means Dick Cheney is coming. When you tell Dick Cheney hope is on the way, well that means the ambulance is coming.

--Jay Leno

The Democrats kept mentioning that John Kerry is a decorated war hero, but did you know that Dick Cheneyhas a purple heart. Did you know that? It's from eating steaks, not from the military, but hey!

--Jay Leno

08/28/2004 Saturday #261 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

A lot of people are wondering if these terror threats are politically motivated and today Tom Ridge said in a press conference: We don't do politics in the Department of Homeland Security. Our job is to identify the threat and then assign it a pretty little color to go with it.

--Jay Leno

Kerry and Edwards set out on a two-week, 21-state bus tour. On the side of the bus it says, 'Believe in America.' You know what it says on the side of Ralph Nader's bus? 'Exact change only.'

--Jay Leno

Bush and Cheney have a new campaign theme: 'Heart and Soul.' I think that sounds better than their first choice, 'Oil and Gas.'

--Jay Leno

08/27/2004 Friday #260 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

Al Qaeda's new strategy is to destroy our financial institutions and bring the nation's big businesses and major corporations to its knees. No wait, I'm sorry, that's Ralph Nader's platform.

--Jay Leno

President Bush said the other side, meaning Kerry and Edwards, just 'talks a good game.' Well, at least nobody can accuse Bush of that.

--Jay Leno

The L.A. Times reports that al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to Iran, and President Bush is talking tough. In fact he said he will attack the minute he has evidence his approval rating is under 45 percent.

--Jay Leno

08/26/2004 Thursday #259 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

President Bush told the crowd with your help Cheney and I will have four more years. I'm sorry that was his meeting with the Supreme Court."

--Jay Leno

Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each other at their conventions. Like at the Democratic convention John Kerry's daughter told a story about how he once gave CPR to her hamster. At the Republican convention the Bush girls are going to tell a story about how when their hamster was bad, their dad built them a little electric chair.

--Jay Leno

The White House admitted that the latest terror threat was based on information that was four years old. A president's spokesman said that al Qaeda plans the attacks well in advance and then updates the plans just before attacking. Something that Bush doesn't do.

--Jay Leno

08/25/2004 Wednesday #258 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

Do you know what happened on this day 4 years ago? Well, whatever it was, the Department of Homeland Security just found out today.

--Jay Leno

Baseball has come out with these John Kerry and George W. Bush bobblehead dolls. They're pretty realistic. The John Kerry bobblehead is huge and the Bush bobblehead is empty."

--Jay Leno

In Davenport, Iowa, while President Bush and John Kerry were giving speeches they had three banks robberies. You know you let Washington politicians in your town and you're going to attract the wrong element. ... Luckily both Bush and Kerry have been eliminated as suspects. Because of his wife Kerry doesn't need the money and, come on, nobody believes Bush is smart enough to pull off this kind of job.
--Jay Leno

08/24/2004 Tuesday #257 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

John Kerry has also proposed a ten-year plan for energy independence and President Bush said 'Oh it's not going to take that long to get all the oil out of Iraq.

--Jay Leno

This past weekend, President Bush was in Maine for the wedding of his nephew, Jeb's son, George P. Boy, it sounds like an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard,' doesn't it? 'Yeah, Jeb's boy, George P. got hitched.' In fact, when they wheeled out the wedding cake, three oil company executives jumped out. Prince Bandar was best man.

--Jay Leno

First Lady Laura Bush said that people shouldn't be saying that the benefits from stem cell research are 'right around the corner' because it gives people false hope. Then later her husband said that the economic recovery is 'right around the corner.'

--Jay Leno

08/23/2004 Monday #256 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.

--Jay Leno

President Bush was in Florida where he asked voters to once again send him to the White House. Voters in Florida said, 'Hey, we never sent you in the first place. That was the Supreme Court.

--Jay Leno

Secretary of State Colin Powell announced that he will not be attending the Republican convention. Uh oh. So I guess they're going to have to find another black guy.

--Jay Leno

08/22/2004 Sunday #255 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times.

--Jay Leno

Cheney also warned Americans about a group that is trying to impose their radical extremism on everyone else. He said they have no tolerance for democracy and no tolerance for people with a different religious faith. Then he said, 'Oh I'm sorry that's our platform.

--Jay Leno

Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam.

--Jay Leno

08/21/2004 Saturday #254 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

The new Prime Minister of Spain has called the war in Iraq a disaster, and plans to bring his troops home as soon as possible. In fact, President Bush is so upset at Spain that he is now threatening to close down the border between Spain and the U.S.

--Jay Leno

Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up.

--Jay Leno

Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush, he can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies.

--Jay Leno

08/20/2004 Friday #253 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when we elected him!

--Jay Leno

As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union Address, interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words.

--Jay Leno

President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to need are Spanish, Chinese, Korean, because that's where the jobs went.

--Jay Leno

08/19/2004 Thursday #252 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy.'

--Jay Leno

On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, 'Phhh, you mean like last time?'

--Jay Leno

President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors.

--Jay Leno

08/18/2004 Wednesday #251 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno

Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, Bush followed Kerry to Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam.

--Jay Leno

President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges.

--Jay Leno

The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election.

--Jay Leno

08/17/2004 Tuesday #250 (thanks to no sleep)

Latenight

They've been having a lot of trouble in Illinois finding a Republican candidate to go up against Barack Obama. Well I think they finally found one in our own friend Alan Keyes, you know, the African-American fire-brand conservative preacher. The only problem is Keyes lives in Maryland. ... It's starting to look bad for Republicans. First they couldn't find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan, then they couldn't find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and now they can't find a black person in Chicago.

--Bill Maher

While speaking to conservationists this week, Dick Cheney made it clear that he plans to deal with the rising gas prices by drilling in our federal wildlife refuge in Alaska. Cheney tried to sway his opponents saying trust me, there's enough oil up there to last us the rest of my natural life.

--Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

President Bush says he does not want to be known as the war president. He'd prefer to be known as the peace president. It's like when they started calling used cars pre-owned.

--Jimmy Kimmel

08/16/2004 Monday #249 (thanks to no sleep)

Bill Maher

Dick Cheney has been all over the airwaves this week ridiculing John Kerry for using the word 'sensitivity' in his approach to the war. Then Kerry shot back with all kind of instances where both Cheney and Bush had used the word 'sensitive.' At one point the exchange got so heated that they forgot who was rubber and who was glue.

--Bill Maher

Republicans are now trying to energize their Amish vote. Dick Cheney is really pandering to the Amish. Today he told a senator to go f--- thyself.

--Bill Maher

Here's something I thought I'd never see President Bush do. He came out today against legacy admissions in college. You know like if the father went to the school they say the kids get in easier. Bush says the fact that his father and grandfather went to Yale had nothing to do with him getting into Yale. It was simply a matter of him personally meeting with the dean and getting him high.

--Bill Maher

08/15/2004 Sunday #248 (thanks to no sleep)

Bill Maher

The President and Mrs. Bush were on 'Larry King' last night and the president said, 'America is absolutely better off today than it was 4 years ago.' Then he said, 'Did I say America, I meant Chevron.'

--Bill Maher

The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 09/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was 'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.'

--Bill Maher

San Francisco has annulled its 4,000 gay marriages. One of the gay men said it was a terrible disappointment to have your marriage annulled so quickly, but on the bright side, I feel just like Britney Spears.

--Bill Maher

08/14/2004 Saturday #247 (thanks to no sleep)

Have in Common II

Do you know what the smart people in Washington have for lunch?

Neither does George Bush.

08/13/2004 Friday #246 (thanks to email)

Have in Common

Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See, for President Bush it's different, his magic number is 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win.

- Jay Leno

A new poll says that if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat President Bush by a double digit margin. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month.

- Jay Leno

The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs.

- Jay Leno

08/12/2004 Thursday #245 (thanks to email)

Jay Leno Again

President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot.
Jay Leno

President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters,'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'
Jay Leno

The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News.
Jay Leno

08/11/2004 Wednesday #244 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno Again

Illinois senatorial candidate Barak Obama, he's the new rising star of the Democratic Party. He gave the keynote address at the Democratic convention. When they told President Bush about Obama, Bush said, 'Isn't that the guy we can't find? Why don't we grab him? He was right there!
Jay Leno

President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China.'
Jay Leno

They say that Saddam is stonewalling, he's refusing to talk, he's not giving out any information. No, wait a minute, that's Condoleezza Rice.
Jay Leno

08/10/2004 Tuesday #243 (thanks to no sleep)

Have in Common

What do George Bush, Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have in common?

English is their second language.

08/09/2004 Monday #242 (thanks to email)

Ranch Service

George Bush was sitting in the office on the ranch when Laura came by. "What are you doing," she asked.

"Well, I have to have a meeting on state security and the artificial insemination man is comimg by at the same time. Could you show him the cow? I drove a nail into the gate of the stall so you will know which one."

"Of course," she said.

Later she directed the man directly to the stall. He was impressed that she, a city girl, knew which one was the right one. "What's the nail on the gate for," he asked.

She muttered, "to hang your pants on I guess."

08/08/2004 Sunday #241 (thanks to email)

Laura & Karl Rove

One day Laura Bush came home to the White House unexpectedly. When she went into the Lincoln Room, she found Karl Rove there, alone.

"Take off my dress, Karl," she ordered the surprised Rove.

"Take off my slip, Karl," she ordered and he meekly did it.

"Take off my bra, Karl," she ordered him.

"Never wear my clothes again!" she shouted.

08/07/2004 Saturday #240 (thanks to email)

Dolly is Jealous

Q: Why is Dolly Parton jealous of Washington D.C.?

A: It has two of the biggest boobs in the world - Bush & Dick

08/06/2004 Friday #239 (thanks to email)

Presidential Aspirations

The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President. The reality now is that the boy doesn't have to grow up?!

08/05/2004 Thursday #238 (thanks to email)

Voter Registration by Strippers

Strip clubs in Wisconsin are organizing voter registration drives to get voters for President Bush's cause they're afraid of John Kerry liberal agenda. Well, you can see why the strippers would really be for George Bush. I mean they have almost as many positions as he does.

08/04/2004 Wednesday #237 (thanks to email)

Reason for War

A lot of people think that George W. decided to go to war in Iraq because Saddam Hussein had tried to kill his father. This is totally unfair; of course it is true that after we captured Saddam Hussein, George Senior raised George W.'s allowance.

08/03/2004 Tuesday #236 (thanks to email)

WMD Found

It looks like they finally found Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq; they found a vile of a toxic blistering agent that had been weaponized with a spray. In other news, a CNN reporter lost her mace.

08/02/2004 Monday #235 (thanks to email)

Have in Common

What do George Bush, Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have in common?

English is their second language.

08/01/2004 Sunday #234 (thanks to email)

Republican On The Porch

A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Nader supporter on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Nader supporter on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Nader supporter?"

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

7/31/2004 Saturday #233 (thanks to email)

A Dying Republican

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Republican. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Republican?"

"That's my business! Get me the form!"

Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Republican so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Republican".

7/30/2004 Friday #232 (thanks to email)

The Bush Family

Jenna had the most exciting news. She burst into the room shouting, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news! Nick asked me to marry him. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. We are supposed to get married next month."

George took Jenna in the back and said, "Jenna, your mother, although an ideal administrator and public speaker, has never had much to offer in the sack. So, as you might have heard, I have been known to fool around with other ladies on occassion. That's over now that I'm not a drunk or on the crack. Your boyfriend Nick happens to be the product of one of my love making sessions. He is my son and thusly, he is your half-brother."

Jenna ran out of the office screaming, "Not my half brother!"

She rushed to her mother's side, telling her all about dad's shameful behavior and how every man she dates turns out to be one of her father's illegitimate sons.

Laura began to laugh and said, "Don't pay any attention to him. He isn't really your father anyway."

7/29/2004 Thursday #231 (thanks to email)

Comparing Equipment

The first ladies of UK, Japan and France were having a meeting with First Lady Laura Bush. The subject of discussion was the penis of their respective spouse. The first lady of UK says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the room."

The lady from Japan says, "It is like an army officer- you do not know where he will attack from- front or back.."

The French lady says, "It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it drops down..."

Then Laura says, "It's like a rumor... it moves from Condi's mouth to Dick's mouth to Karen's mouth..."

7/28/2004 Wednesday #230 (thanks to email)

Presidental Call

President Bush was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, "There's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters & piss oil."

7/27/2004 Tuesday #229 (thanks to email)

Bush vs. Osama

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

7/26/2004 Monday #228 (thanks to email)

Bin Laden's Surprise

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

7/25/2004 Sunday #227 (thanks to email)

The First Bun In The Oven

Laura Bush went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape, but, that she was pregnant!

She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House.

When the operator answered she said that it was Laura and that she wanted to talk to George right away. Well they rang the oval office and George answered. Laura started screaming: "Do you know what you did you lousy jerk? You got me pregnant!!! The President remained silent. Again, Laura shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU

Finally George answered "Is this Condi? Karen? Jenna?"

7/24/2004 Saturday #226 (thanks to email)

Presidential Policy

President Bush got drunk again and was looking for a call girl and he found three such ladies in a local bar: a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.

To the blonde he said "I am the President of the United States of America. How much will it cost me to spend some time with you?"

The blonde replied, "For you, Mr. President, it will cost $500."

To the Redhead he asked the same question. She replied "I will spend all the time you want for $1,000."

When he approached the brunette he asked the same question and she said, "If you can raise my skirt as high as you've raised the deficits, and can get your pants as low as my wages, and get that thing of yours as hard as times are now, and screw me as well as you do the public, believe me, it won't cost you a damn thing!"

7/23/2004 Friday #225 (thanks to email)

Political Bull Sh!t

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly.and for the same reason.

7/22/2004 Thursday #224 (thanks to email)

Political Emblem Change

EMERGENCY NOTICE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE PLEASE READ AND PASS ON TO ALL CONCERNED CITIZENS!

Republicans announced today that they are changing their emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

7/21/2004 Wednesday #223 (thanks to email)

Date protection: Condoleezza Rice

First Lady Laura Bush and NSA Advisor Condi Rice were having one of those girl to girl talks when Laura says to Condi, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with George and there is no telling where he last had his pecker after he gets drunk."

Condi responded, "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Laura asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Condi, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, George was already in bed with the lights out when Laura slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.

She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

George, half asleep, rolls over and says, "Condi, is that you?

7/20/2004 Tuesday #222 (thanks to email)

Taking States

Q: What did George W. say when asked about his views on the Palestinian state?

A: "Despite what the polls say, I intend to win that one!"

7/19/2004 Monday #221 (thanks to email)

Conan O'Brien Again

In a recent interview Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said that American politics is becoming meaner and meaner. After hearing this top Republicans said that Daschle makes a good point for a guy who's ugly and probably gay.
Conan O'Brien

This afternoon in Washington, 11 congressional pages were fired after they were caught smoking marijuana. A spokesperson for Congress said, 'We knew something was wrong when we smelled something funny and it wasn't Strom Thurmond.'
Conan O'Brien

Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad where he visited Abu Ghraib prison. Apparently, the visit was going well until Rumsfeld took out his camera and said, 'Hey, how about a few pictures?'
Conan O'Brien

7/18/2004 Sunday #220 (thanks to email)

SNL on Cheney

While speaking to conservationists this week, Dick Cheney made it clear that he plans to deal with the rising gas prices by drilling in our federal wildlife refuge in Alaska. Cheney tried to sway his opponents saying trust me, there's enough oil up there to last us the rest of my natural life.
Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

7/17/2004 Saturday #219 (thanks to email)

Jay Leno Again

Congress just voted to give themselves a pay raise. This is their fourth pay raise in four years. And yesterday ... Leader Dick Armey -- he defended the congressional pay raise. He said Congress works hard. And all that hard work has certainly paid off, huh? Let's recognize a job well done. We are at war, terrorists are all over the place, Wall Street collapsing, people are out of work, retirement funds are gone. ... I got an idea, let's put Congress on commission, they don't get paid until they do something right.
Jay Leno

Missouri Congresswomen Karen McCarthy announced she will enter rehab after she fell down drunk in Congress after a big vote. ... Who says women can't hold the same jobs as men?
Jay Leno

Newsweek reported that 87 Congressman are currently having affairs. In fact, that is why they have roll call ever morning, to see who is back from the motel. Last call Gingrich! I know these guys like to poll their constituents but this is ridiculous.
Jay Leno

7/16/2004 Friday #218 (thanks to email)

Just Checking

One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer President and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

7/15/2004 Thursday #217 (thanks to email)

David Letterman

"One guy who's excited about the handover is President George Bush. He's thrilled about turning over power back to Iraq. You know why? Because he's thinking about invading them again."
David Letterman

"Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall."
David Letterman

"They say that Saddam is stonewalling, he's refusing to talk, he's not giving out any information. No, wait a minute, that's Condoleezza Rice."
David Letterman

7/14/2004 Wednesday #216 (thanks to email)

Republican Proverb

Ancient Republican Proverb: Teach a man to light a fire and he will be warm forever. But throw him into the fire and he will never again complain about being cold.

7/13/2004 Tuesday #215 (thanks to email)

Jay Leno

"Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, 'No, I'm keeping him on the ticket.'"
Jay Leno

"The Bush administration renewed its call for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. So I guess they feel the only time that guys should be on top of each other naked is in an Iraqi prison."
Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld visited that famous prison and he said he has all those guards under control now. Sponsored Links. In fact, he said he's got them all on a very short leash."
Jay Leno

7/12/2004 Monday #214 (thanks to email)

Cheney Doctor

Vice-President Cheney's doctor (Malakoff) was recently found to be a substance abuser. If you were poor you would be a drug addict, but there you go.

After Cheney dumped him, he was immediately hired by Rush Limbaugh. "My kind of doctor," Rush recently said. He believes in chemical solutions to life's problems.

7/11/2004 Sunday #213 (thanks to email)

Jay Leno

"Vermont Senator James Jeffords is being called a hero today after he chased down a teenager who stole a wallet from his daughter-in-law on Capitol Hill. How fat are our kids getting when they're being run down by 68-year-old senators. ... At one point Jeffords yelled out 'Stop thief' and two hundred congressmen froze."
Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein? If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there."
Jay Leno

"Earlier this week the Senate voted 97-to-0 for tougher regulations. For example, when corporations buy a senator, they must now get a receipt."
Jay Leno

7/10/2004 Saturday #212 (thanks to email)

Iraq Constitution

They keep talking about drafting a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and hell, we're not using it anymore.

7/09/2004 Friday #211 (thanks to email)

Jay Leno

"Here's an interesting figure, 43 percent of the incoming Congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats."
Jay Leno

"How much do you think Senators make? They now make $154,700 a year. But they say it will stimulate the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to the liquor stores, the hookers, the brothels ... then it will get back in the community."
Jay Leno, on Congress voting itself a pay raise

"President Bush is asking Congress for permission to wage war on Iraq. Some members of Congress are reluctant to go along with the plan so far. All Bush needs to do is remind these guys that, in Iraq, an adulterer gets stoned to death."
Jay Leno

7/08/2004 Thursday #210 (thanks to email)

To start the day rightly

Subject: Remedy
Importance: High

To start the day rightly: Instructions

1. Open a new file in your PC
2. Name it "George W. Bush"
3. Send it to the trash
4. Empty the trash
5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of George W. Bush?"
6. Answer calmly "Yes" pressing firmly on the mouse's button

Doctors recommend that you not repeat the operation until you have waited six hours because there is a risk of addiction...

7/07/2004 Wednesday #209 (thanks to email)

Craig Kilborn

"Ralph Nader announced he's running for president after a new poll found he'd get .5% of the vote. Nader's slogan: 'Eat my dust Kucinich.'"
Craig Kilborn

"A big weekend for the candidates. President Bush highlighted his foreign policy, and then John Kerry emphasized his war record, and then Ralph Nader bragged about an article he wrote on toasters that explode."
Craig Kilborn

"Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him. Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls."
Craig Kilborn

7/06/2004 Tuesday #208 (thanks to email)

Saddam Enrages Bush With Full Compliance

WASHINGTON, DC - President Bush expressed frustration and anger Monday over a U.N. report stating that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein is now fully complying with weapons inspections. "Enough is enough," a determined Bush told reporters. "We are not fooled by Saddam's devious attempts to sway world opinion by doing everything the U.N. asked him to do. We will not be intimidated into backing down and, if we have any say in the matter, neither will Saddam." Bush added that any further Iraqi attempt to meet the demands of the U.N. or U.S. will be regarded as "an act of war."

7/05/2004 Monday #207 (thanks to email)

How the Bushies Change a Light Bulb

How many members of the Bush administration are required to replace the proverbial light bulb?

The Answer is SEVEN:

(1) one to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced;

(2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb;

(3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb;

(4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

(5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a light bulb;

(6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag;

(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

7/04/2004 Sunday #206 (thanks to email)

Make the Pie Higher

This following poem is composed entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush.

I think we all agree, the past is over.This is still a dangerous world.It's a world of madmenAnd uncertaintyAnd potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question askedIs our children learning?Will the highways of the internetBecome more few?How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.I know that the human being and the fishCan coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hopeWhere our wings take dream.Put food on your family!Knock down the tollbooth!Vulcanize society!Make the pie higher!Make the pie higher!

7/03/2004 Saturday #205 (thanks to email)

Republican Jokes and One-Liners #II

Q: Why should Republicans be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Republican?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: Why did God create Republicans?
A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.

Q: What is a recent Republican graduate's usual question in his first job?
A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?

Q. How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

7/02/2004 Friday #204 (thanks to email)

Republican Jokes and One-Liners #I

Q: What's the difference between a Republican and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a Republican and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Republican in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a Republican and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a killer?
A: Jenna and Barbara.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a Republican?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Republican. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government corporate grant.

7/01/2004 Thursday #203 (thanks to email)

Things Republicans Believe 1

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

6/30/2004 Wednesday #202 (thanks to email)

Things Republicans Believe 2

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

6/209/2004 Tuesday #201 (thanks to email)

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