Jokes of the day

101 - 200

You Might Be A Republican If... IV

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

6/28/2004 Monday #200 (thanks to email)

You Might Be A Republican If... III

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever called education a luxury.

6/27/2004 Sunday #199 (thanks to email)

You Might Be A Republican If... II

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

6/26/2004 Saturday #198 (thanks to email)

You Might Be A Republican If... I

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

6/25/2004 Friday #197 (thanks to email)

Proud to Be a Democrat

A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl.

"Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary.

"Well, what are you?" asks the teacher.

"I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl.

The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks.

"Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too."

"Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?"

Mary smiled. "Then we'd be Republicans."

6/24/2004 Thursday #196 (thanks to email)

A Liberal and a Genie

A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?"

The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune."

The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share."

The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?"

"I would like a new sports car."

"O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?"

"I'd like a million dollars."

"O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?"

"Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

6/23/2004 Wednesday #195 (thanks to email)

Would You Work For This Company?

Do you fancy working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics?:

* 029 have been accused of spousal abuse

* 007 have been arrested for fraud

* 019 have been accused of writing bad checks

* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

* 003 have done time for assault

* 071 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

* 014 have been arrested on drug-related charges

* 008 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 021 are currently defendants in lawsuits

* 084 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year ...

Can you guess which organization this is?

Given up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

6/22/2004 Tuesday #194 (thanks to email)

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

6/21/2004 Monday #193 (thanks to email)

American History 101

It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki's.

"Patrick Henry 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said '...government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"

Again, no response, except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki raised his hand: "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point a student said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Who said that?"

Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

With near mob hysteria, someone screams, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki yells, "Joe Scarborough to Lori Klausutis, 2001."

At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her.

One of the kids says, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"

Suzuki says, "Ken 'Kenny-Boy' Lay, 2002."

6/20/2004 Sunday #192 (thanks to email)

Punishment

One day Barb Bush was cleaning Junior's room, and in the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was very upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

GHW looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

6/19/2004 Saturday #191 (thanks to email)

Bush and the Genie

George Bush was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. George was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"

George didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with AWOL in Viet Nam, Weapons of Mass Destruction and all the drugs. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

George thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like Laura. They think she's mean and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

6/18/2004 Friday #190 (thanks to email)

Jay Leno Again

Not only will Condoleezza Rice testify, but President Bush has also agreed to meet with the (9/11) commission. He's going to testify, but he said he wants have Dick Cheney there with him. Why does he want Cheney with him? What?

Does he have a learner's permit to be president and have to have an adult with him.

Jay Leno

They said that President Bush's war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn't losing American jobs anymore, he's branching out to other countries.

Jay Leno

President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China.

Jay Leno

6/17/2004 Thursday #189 (thanks to email)

David Letterman

I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again.

David Letterman

It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam.

David Letterman

Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night.

David Letterman

6/16/2004 Wednesday #188 (thanks to email)

Jay Leno

President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year.

Jay Leno

The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by 'American Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol?' See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins.

Jay Leno

President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?

Jay Leno

6/15/2004 Tuesday #187 (thanks to email)

David Letterman

Two big announcements coming out of Washington, D.C. The tour of duty for 20,000 troops in Iraq may be extended. That's too bad. And the other announcement, the tour of duty for President Bush may not be extended.

David Letterman

According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'

David Letterman

President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.

David Letterman

6/14/2004 Monday #186 (thanks to email)

Plastic Surgery Miracles

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States." 6/13/2004 Sunday #185 (thanks to email)

Jay Leno

President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9/11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?

Jay Leno

President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out.

Jay Leno

We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year.

Jay Leno

6/12/2004 Saturday #184 (thanks to no sleep)

Stealing from Congress

A thief stuck a pistol in a gentleman's ribs and said, 'Give me your money.'

The gentleman shocked by the sudden attack said, 'You cannot do this, I am a Congressman.'

The thief said, 'In that case, give me my money.'

6/11/2004 Friday #183 (thanks to email)

Jay Leno

Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There's a switch the environment hurting Bush.

Jay Leno

President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It's a stationary bike.

Jay Leno

You know what really makes this embarrassing? The other day the president said the leaders in Iraq are 'ready to take off the training wheels.' That's what he said, 'take off the training wheels.' Then he goes out and falls off his bicycle. And they wonder why the rest of the world doesn't take us seriously.

Jay Leno

6/10/2004 Thursday #182 (thanks to no sleep)

Limbaugh and the pig

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country trying to find some horse tranquilizer and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

'Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses,' explained the driver.

'What did you tell the farmer?' Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, 'I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig.'

6/9/2004 Wednesday #181 (thanks to email)

Japanese to assist with US 2000 election

Did you hear the Japanese are sending the President Busha case of Viagra?

They heard he couldn't get an election.

6/8/2004 Tuesday #180 (thanks to email)

KFC Order

What do you get when you order a 'Laura Bush' at KFC?

Two small breasts and a right wing.

6/7/2004 Monday #179 (thanks to email)

Do You Know Who I Am?

President Bush went to visit a nursing home.

He walked up to a lady in a wheel chair and said, "Mam, do you know who I am?"

She answered, pointing, "No sir I don't know who you are,but if you go up to that desk they can tell you."

6/6/2004 Sunday #178 (thanks to email)

Put to Death

John Kerry, Ralph Nader and George W. Bush are about to be put to death.

They have a choice of electric chair or lethal injection.

Clinton chooses the chair, but it dosen't work so he's allowed go free.

Nader chooses the chair too,and the same thing happens.

When its George's turn,he says, "I'll take the injection, because that old chair just isn't working today!"

6/5/2004 Saturday #177 (thanks to email)

Craig Kilborn

With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something.

Craig Kilborn

Doctor's concluded that the president's fall hadn't done any damage when he appeared confused and disoriented.

Craig Kilborn

The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk.

Craig Kilborn

6/4/2004 Friday #176 (thanks to no sleep)

Bush weight loss

Rumour has it that George Bush has lost 165 pounds since he entered the white house, but come to find out Laura was just visiting her mother at the bat cave.

6/3/2004 Thursday #175 (thanks to email)

David Letterman

Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.

David Letterman

Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this.

David Letterman

President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here.

David Letterman

6/2/2004 Wednesday #174 (thanks to no sleep)

Survey says...

A hundred drug dealers in Washington, D.C. were asked if theywould sell cocaine to President Bush.

"Not again," was the answer 60% of the time.

6/1/2004 Tuesday #173 (thanks to email)

Conan O'Brien

Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'

Conan O'Brien

In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'

Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the President listed Iraq.

Conan O'Brien

5/31/2004 Monday #172 (thanks to no sleep)

Bush and his beer cans

Back when George Bush and Laura got married George told her, "There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die."

Laura agreed to this but over the years the curiosity got the better of her and she looked in it. She found three beer cans and 10,567 dollars.

When she asked George what the beer cans were for, he replied, "Well, those are for all the times I've lied to you. I'd drink a beer and put the can there."

Laura said, "Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all. And the drugs didn't help of course."

She was about to leave, but then she said, "Hey George, what about the 10,567 dollars?"

George replied, "Well, when the box got full and I had to cash the cans in."

5/30/2004 Sunday #171 (thanks to email)

Bush Joke

While waiting for the presidential press conference to begin, the reporter approached a man standing alone in a corner.

"So," said the journalist, "have you heard the latest joke about dumbo President Bush?"

The man pinned him with a steely gaze, "Before you tell it, I should inform you that I am proud to work for the White House."

"Thanks for the warning," rejoined the reporter. "I'll tell it slowly and explain it for you then."

5/29/2004 Saturday #170 (thanks to email)

Bush's Parrot

One day while at the White House, the maid was cleaning the Oval Office's bird cage -- but, while she was doing it, the parrot flew out the window. The maid was scared that President Bush would find out and she would be fired. So she went to the pet store and asked the clerk if they had any parrots similar to the one she had lost. The clerk said yes, they had one that looked just like it, but the bird had been in a crackhouse for three years. The maid figured it was better than nothing and bought it.

When she took it back to the White House she put the parrot back in the cage like nothing happened. Later that day, Laura came in and the parrot said 'Narc, narc' -- the First Lady was a bit peeved, but thought nothing of it.

A little bit after that Barb and Jenna came in and the parrot said, 'Too young, too young.'

A couple hours later, President Bush came into the room and the bird chirped enthusiastically, 'Hi George! Hi George!'

5/28/2004 Friday #169 (thanks to email)

Jay Leno Again

"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'"

-Jay Leno

"One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat."

-Jay Leno

"Oscar nominations came out today. Up for best actor, Sean Penn for 'Mystic River,' Jude Law for 'Cold Mountain,' and of course, George W. Bush for 'Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.'"

-Jay Leno

5/27/2004 Thursday #168 (thanks to no sleep)

George, Laura and the Lockbox

When George and Laura first got married, George said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 25 years of marriage, Laura never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Laura could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"

George thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I went off the wagon, I put the empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Laura was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the years." So they hugged and made their peace.

Then Laura asked him, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Dubya answered sheepishly, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

5/26/2004 Wednesday #167 (thanks to email)

Jay Leno Again

"President Bush has begun an Easter week vacation in Crawford, Texas. This is part of his plan to get in touch with ordinary Americans and see what it's like to be at home not working."

-Jay Leno

"President Bush is now focusing on jobs. I think the one job he's focusing most on is his own. The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs."

-Jay Leno

"President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice President Dick Cheney also got in a couple of strokes."

-Jay Leno

5/25/2004 Tuesday #166 (thanks to no sleep)

George W. Bush and the Jews

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?

The CIA chief says, "It's simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus Tutzuch (English translation: What's Happening). They just ask each other and that's how they find out everything."

Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to see how this system works.

So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.) as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhoods.

As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers "Nu,Vus Tutzuch?"

The old guy whispers back, "Did you hear that putz Bush is in Brooklyn?"

5/24/2004 Monday #165 (thanks to email)

Jay Leno Again

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges."

-Jay Leno

"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'"

-Jay Leno

"President Bush stopped off at a bass pro fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some line and some rubber worms. He's going to disappear and go fishing. So he must think he's back in the National Guard."

-Jay Leno

5/23/2004 Sunday #164 (thanks to no sleep)

The President Sucks

President Bush wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return.

"Well sir," says the first agent, "the urine has been analyzed and it's the Vice President's". Bush goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?"

"Well no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting."

5/22/2004 Saturday #163 (thanks to email)

Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

5/21/2004 Friday #162 (thanks to email)

Show and Tell

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so he teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

5/20/2004 Thursday #161 (thanks to email)

Bush & Lightbulbs

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?

The Answer is SEVEN: (1) One to deny that a lightbulb needs to be replaced, (2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the lightbulb, (3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new lightbulb, (4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of lightbulbs, (5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a lightbulb, (6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the lightbulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag, (7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.

5/19/2004 Wednesday #160 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Jay Leno Again

"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush, he can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies."

-Jay Leno

"Ralph Nader has called for President Bush to be impeached for deceiving the American people about the war in Iraq . Ralph Nader wants Bush impeached? Ralph Nader, he got him elected in the first place."

-Jay Leno

"Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know Tony Blair was sick?"

-Jay Leno

5/18/2004 Tuesday #159 (thanks to no sleep)

Similarities

What do Florida elections and golf have in common?

Low score wins.

5/17/2004 Monday #158 (thanks to email)

David Letterman Again

"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots."

-David Letterman

"President Bush says he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry January 20."

-David Letterman

"President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense he wants to know what was going on, too."

-David Letterman

5/16/2004 Sunday #157 (thanks to no sleep)

David Letterman

"President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again."

-David Letterman

"Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill has written a book about his years with the Bush Administration. He said that President Bush while at cabinet meetings is disengaged, he's uninformed, distracted, he's passive, and the Democrats are saying to themselves " how can we possibly beat this guy?"

-David Letterman

"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since President Bush."

-David Letterman

5/15/2004 Saturday #156 (thanks to no sleep)

Craig Kilborn

"President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of golf in Crawford, Texas earlier today. ... This raises the question: Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country and who has had like 20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?"

-Craig Kilborn

"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there."

-Craig Kilborn

"The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News."

-Craig Kilborn

5/14/2004 Friday #155 (thanks to no sleep)

Conan O'Brien

"Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has unveiled a new color-coded system to warn the public about different states of danger. Red is the highest state of alert, and it means that Dick Cheney is about to eat a mozzarella stick."

-Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'"

-Conan O'Brien

"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him."

-Conan O'Brien

5/13/2004 Thursday #154 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno Again

"The White House has finally found one guy that kinda remembers serving with President Bush in the National Guard. Now they just need to find someone who remembers Bush working on an economic plan. ... I think the White House spent more money looking for this guy than finding weapons of mass destruction."

-Jay Leno

"Well, according to Time magazine, Condoleezza Rice has been rehearsing for her appearance this week before the 9/11 Commission. They say she's been practicing her answers by having her aides ask her questions. You know, wouldn't it be easier just to tell the truth? Then you wouldn't have to remember -- you don't have to remember the answer."

-Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Vice President Cheney threw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds opening game. President Bush, he threw out the first pitch at the Cardinals game. It's nice to see they've got time for that kind of stuff now that everything in Iraq is under control."

-Jay Leno

5/12/2004 Wednesday #153 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno Again

"The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs."

-Jay Leno

"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election."

-Jay Leno

"The White House Easter Egg Hunt will be open to the public but President Bush will not be there. Well sure. How embarrassing would that be? It's bad enough he can't find weapons of mass destruction, what if he can't find any eggs either?"

-Jay Leno

5/11/2004 Tuesday #152 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno Again

"It was reported in the paper that President Bush received a 'warm reception' from the Daytona 500 drivers. Well sure, the drivers had never met anyone who was sponsored by more oil companies than they were."

-Jay Leno

"In his annual economic report to Congress President Bush said that the transfer of American jobs overseas is actually part of a positive transformation that will enrich the U.S. economy over time. So basically, losing your job to someone else can be a good thing. Of course we'll see how he feels about that in November."

-Jay Leno

"Is it me or is President Bush's life starting to sound like a country song. He's from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks like he might lose his job. Next thing, his truck is going to break down"

-Jay Leno

5/10/2004 Monday #151 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno Again

"There's this huge controversy over the fact that President Bush apparently received credit for National Guard service in Alabama in '72 and '73 even though his commanding officers are saying he never reported. I think what's even more disturbing is that he received enough credits to graduate from Yale."

-Jay Leno

The new Prime Minister of Spain has called the war in Iraq a disaster, and plans to bring his troops home as soon as possible. In fact, President Bush is so upset at Spain that he is now threatening to close down the border between Spain and the U.S.

-Jay Leno

"They said that President Bush's war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn't losing American jobs anymore, he's branching out to other countries."

-Jay Leno

5/09/2004 Sunday #150 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno Again

"The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House said, 'no no,' that they have payroll records to show that he served in the National Guard. But today, the commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy. Remember me?'"

-Jay Leno

"The Democrats say that President Bush doesn't have an exit strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don't go well, he exits in November."

-Jay Leno

"The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds - kind of like his stint in the National Guard."

-Jay leno

5/8/2004 Saturday #149 (thanks to no sleep)

College Days

George W. Bush was talking to some of his advisors, and they were discussing spin control on his past drug problems. "Dubya," said his PR guy, "We've got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college."

"It's true," replied Bush, "but it isn't my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose."

5/7/2004 Friday #148 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno Again

"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China."

-Jay Leno

"President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme - 'Safer, Stronger, and Tested.' Isn't that a condom ad?"

-Jay Leno

"Political analysts say that President Bush's re-election strategy is to try and convince Americans that he's a war president. I don't get that, do you think that'll work? I mean, don't you think that if he tries to convince the American people that we need a war president, isn't he afraid that they're going to vote for the guy that was actually in a war?"

-Jay Leno

5/6/2004 Thursday #147 (thanks to no sleep)

Artificial Intelligence

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

"Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

5/5/2004 Wednesday #146 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno Again

"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors."

-Jay Leno

"President Bush said that our kids must be taught how to read. He said if his aides never learned to read, they'd never be able to tell him what's in the newspapers every day."

-Jay Leno

"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to need are Spanish, Chinese, Korean, because that's where the jobs went. Who better than Bush as an example of what can happen when you take a job without any training."

-Jay Leno

5/4/2004 Tuesday #145 (thanks to no sleep)

Bush's Brain Scan

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."

5/3/2004 Monday #144 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno Again

"President Bush announced a major new plan for the United States to put a man on the moon, which would be a really big story if this were 1962. Bush said he didn't remember anything about the 60's - I guess he wasn't lying."

-Jay Leno

"President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot."

-Jay Leno

"President Bush has reversed himself and decided to allow Condoleezza Rice to publicly testify before the 9/11 commission under oath. It was a little dicey for awhile because White House lawyers told Bush that they didn't want to set a dangerous precedent. Bush said 'Hey I'm the precedent, I'll decide what's dangerous around here.'"

-Jay Leno

5/2/2004 Sunday #143 (thanks to no sleep)

Dubya Bush vs. God

George Bush, Laura and Dick Cheney were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Dick, what do you believe in?"

Dick replies, "Well, I believe that Halliburton needs more profits so the owners can be rich. All companies need money and their owners need to be rich."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at the back."

God then addresses Laura. "Laura, what do you believe in?"

Laura replies, "Well, I believe in education and little brown people learning how to be almost as good as us white people."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds bad, but I'll accept it. Come and sit at the back."

God then address Dubya. "George, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

5/1/2004 Saturday #142 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno Again

"I'll tell you, did you see the guest list? Meg Ryan, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Anniston, Kevin Costner, Barbra Streisand. See, that's the difference between the Democrats and Republicans right there. The Democratic list of stars, it looks like the Oscars. The Republican list of stars, it looks like a bad episode of Hollywood Squares."

-Jay Leno

John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this."

-Jay Leno

"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it's different - his magic number is 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win."

-Jay Leno

4/30/2004 Friday #141 (thanks to email)

Bush Throws The First Pitch

Dubya and Laura are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly George grabs Laura by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field.

The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"

4/29/2004 Thursday #140 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno Again

"Condoleezza Rice testified this morning before the 9-11 commission. Or as they're calling it in Washington 'The Passion of the Rice'. ... She did a great job. It is not easy raising your right hand while you're trying to cover your ass as the same time."

-Jay Leno

"Critics are now saying that his dad got him out of going to Vietnam. However, his dad did get him to go to Iraq."

-Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up."

-Jay Leno

4/28/2004 Wednesday #139 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno Again

"According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times."

-Jay Leno

"Bush did have an explanation, he said he did go to Alabama but when he didn't find weapons of mass destruction, he went back to Texas."

-Jay Leno

"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when we elected him!"

-Jay Leno

4/27/2004 Tuesday #138 (thanks to no sleep)

Jay Leno Again

"A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace."

-Jay Leno

"As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union Address, interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words."

-Jay Leno

"A new poll says that if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat President Bush by a double digit margin. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month."

-Jay Leno

4/26/2004 Monday #137 (thanks to no sleep)

George W. Bush Anagrams

He grew bogus

Bush ego grew

Where bugs go

Whose bugger?

"W": he bugs Gore

e.g. bug whores?

Ugh! Sewer bog!

Bugger, who's 'e?

Ogre hugs web

Other related anagrams

President George "Dubya" Bush:

Ego upset by greed and hubris

USA President George Bush:

Ass...one stupid bugger here!

Huge, depressing saboteur

4/25/2004 Sunday #136 (thanks to email)

Bush Letter to Hinckley

You may know they've released John Hinckley from the mental factility for unsupervised visits to his parents home on weekends. For those of you who may be too young to remember, John Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan to impress the actress Jody Foster. This is such a nice letter from our current President:

Mr. John Hinckley

St. Elizabeth's Hospital

Washington, DC

Dear John:

Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital reports that you are doing fine.

I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents. I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you would let us know.

By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jody Foster?

Sincerely,

George W. Bush

President of the United States

4/24/2004 Saturday #135 (thanks to email)

No Carb Diet

The NO-CARB Diet for 2004

NO C-heney

NO A-shcroft

NO R-umsfeld

NO B-ush

and, of course, No Carbs means NO RICE!

4/23/2004 Friday #134 (thanks to email)

Dubya as a Child

Momma Bush finds an S&M magazine in Dubyas's room. She hands it to Pappy Bush and says, "What should we do about this?"

Dad says, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

4/22/2004 Thursday #133 (thanks to email)

Jay Leno Again

"It's interesting. I see all these political ads and all these commentators say it's our job as Americans to vote. Let me tell you something, with Bush in charge of the economy, this might be the only job you have all year."

Jay Leno

"It's really getting ugly between the White House and this former counter-terrorism official Richard Clarke. ... Clarke accused President Bush of subterfuge, an accusation President Bush both denied and had to look up."

Jay Leno

"In fact, not only will Condoleezza Rice testify, but President Bush has also agreed to meet with the commission. He's going to testify. But he said he wants to have Dick Cheney there with him. Why does he have to have Cheney with him? What, does he have, like, a learner's permit to be president? You have to have the adult with him?"

- Jay Leno

4/21/2004 Wednesday #132 (thanks to no sleep)

Bush and education

The head of the department of education was talking to president Bush.

"Mr. president", the man said, "85% of the nations children can't find Iraq on the map."

Bush just smiled and calmly stated, "thats ok. Four in ten isn't bad. Anyway, in a few months it won't be on the map."

4/20/2004 Tuesday #131 (thanks to email)

Religious Zelots

President Bush is worried that Iraq could be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, if it's good enough for the Republican party it's good enough for Iraq!

4/19/2004 Monday #130 (thanks to email)

Bush, India & Pakistan

It looks like India and Pakistan might go to war over Kashmir.

Bush said, "Why are they fighting over a sweater?"

4/18/2004 Sunday #129 (thanks to email)

Cliff's Notes

The man who created Cliff's Notes just died at age 90. If it weren't for him George W. Bush might still be in college.

4/17/2004 Saturday #128 (thanks to email)

Texas Transplant

Three real cowboys were hanging out in a bar, discussing George W. Bush's visit to their ranch earlier that day.

"The funniest part," the first one said, "was when he kept trying to honk the cow's horns, complaining that they didn't work."

They laughed, and then the second cowboy said, "No, the best was when he asked if being a cowboy meant that I was half-cow."

They all laughed louder, and then the third cowboy said, "No, boys, the best was when he tried to milk that steer!"

4/16/2004 Friday #127 (thanks to email)

Dubya 'n' Drugs

During his campaign, George W. Bush and his advisors were discussing spin control on his past drug problems.

"Dubya," said his PR guy, "We've got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college?"

"It's true," replied Bush, "but it isn't my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose."

4/15/2004 Thursday #126 (thanks to email)

Bush and Polly

Why doesn't George W. Bush eat parrots?

A little thing called cannibalism.

4/14/2004 Wednesday #125 (thanks to email)

Para-shoot

There were five people on a crashing air plane. Laura Bush, George W. Bush, Pavarotti, the Pope, and a boy scout. There were only four parachutes so they had to decide who would be left.

President Bush said he should go first since he is the President of the greatest country in the world. So he jumps and lands safely.

Then Pavarotti says that he has the greatest voice in the world so jumps and parachutes to safety.

Laura says she's a role model for young girls and the smartest woman in the world so she jumps out.

Then the Pope says to the little boy scout, "I am old and feeble and I don't have much longer to live...You must take the last parachute."

The boy scout replies, "We can both take a parachute because the smartest woman in the world took my backpack."

4/13/2004 Tuesday #124 (thanks to email)

Neil Bush Boat

Neil Bush, George W. Bush, and JEB Bush are on a ship when it is sinking. JEB orders for all women and children to head for the life boats.

George says screw the women and children!

Neil asks, "Do we have time?"

4/12/2004 Monday #123 (thanks to email)

Paying the Bills

President Bush looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him. "What is it?" sighs the president.

"It's this abortion bill. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.

"Again? Go ahead and pay it," says the president.

4/11/2004 Sunday #122 (thanks to email)

Bush House Rules

Ever since the Bush daughters got into trouble with the law for underage drinking, the President has lectured them constantly about the evils of alcohol. His daughters were tired of having the same conversation week after week, so they finally said, "Okay daddy, we understand about drinking already, but you've never talked about to us about sex."

Getting very upset, W. chided the twins: "Young ladies, we do not use that four-letter word in our home!"

4/10/2004 Saturday #121 (thanks to email)

Senator Angry Comment

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK, " he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

4/09/2004 Friday #120 (thanks to email)

Leave no Child...

It's finally come out why Dubya Bush was pushing childhood literacy.

He wants America's children to be better off than he is.

4/08/2004 Thursday #119 (thanks to email)

Laura Bush and the Fortuneteller

First Lady Laura Bush snuck off to visit a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted again?"

4/07/2004 Wednesday #118 (thanks to email)

Bush Mask

Q: Why wouldn't the little boy be Dubya Bush for Halloween?

A: He couldn't go door-to-door for fear he would get a pretzel.

4/06/2004 Tuesday #117 (thanks to email)

Q & A

Q: How many Dubya Bushs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Zero. He only screws American workers.

4/05/2004 Monday #116 (thanks to email)

Bush & matzo balls

One day Dubya Bush went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby.

They arrived and Bush's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and Dubya looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it.

After Bush was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"

4/04/2004 Sunday #115 (thanks to email)

Debate Possibilities

John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this."

- Jay Leno

4/03/2004 Saturday #114 (thanks to email)

Where Osama Bin Laden Has Been Hiding

Pentagon officials now believe they have been unable to locate Osama Bin Laden because he has found a place to hide where:

1) it is easy to get in if you have the money;

2) no one will recognize or remember you;

3) no one will realize that you have disappeared;

4) no one keeps any records of your comings and goings;

5) and you have no obligations or responsibilities.

The analysts are still puzzled, however, as to how Bin Laden found out about the Texas Air National Guard!

4/02/2004 Friday #113 (thanks to email)

Soldiers Patrolling Near Tikrit

American soldiers are patroling a desolate road near Tikrit, when they come upon an armed Iraqi soldier, lying dead in a roadside ditch. Just then, they hear a groan from across the road, and they rush over to find a badly wounded American soldier. As they lift him into their jeep, they ask what happened.

"I was face to face with that Iraqi, right here in the middle of the road, my gun on him, his pointed at me...neither one of making the first move. Finally, the tension was too much, so I shouted out 'Saddam is an asshole!'

Well, he stared right back at me and said, 'George Bush is a son of a bitch!'

We were still shaking hands when the truck hit us."

4/01/2004 Thursday #112 (thanks to email)

Jay Leno

"After all the voting, President Bush called John Kerry to congratulate him. I'm not sure what they talked about. I think we can rule out swapping war stories."

- Jay Leno

"John Kerry said he stands by his claim that certain foreign leaders had told him they hope he wins. And Bush fired back, old W, he said: 'Oh yeah, well certain Supreme Court justices have told me I'm going to win."

- Jay Leno

"President Bush celebrated St. Patrick's Day by declaring war on Ireland."

- Jay Leno

3/31/2004 Wednesday #111 (thanks to no sleep)

Will of Americans

Tired of his low approval ratings, President Bush called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."

Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me."

"So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"

The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.

The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, then, express the will of the people," Bush ordered.

So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him.

3/30/2004 Tuesday #110 (thanks to email)

Research Bush

A researcher called G. W. Bush house in Austin. G. W. was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call. He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.

Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I'm conducting a survey...

GW Bush: Questions? No political questions.

Reseacher: Political, sir?

GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling?

Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask --

GW Bush: What is this about?

Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI.

GW BUSH: I've never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?

3/29/2004 Monday #109 (thanks to email)

Bush Entertains Guests

After dinner one evening a George W. Bush was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.

At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music."

"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..."

3/28/2004 Sunday #108 (thanks to email)

Plane's terrorist

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why? Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!) The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. "He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!"

3/27/2004 Saturday #107 (thanks to email)

Top 11 reasons Dr. Condoleezza Rice is trying to negotiate her way out of testifying under oath before the 9-11 Commission

11. Threatening the commissioners failed.

10. Afraid the Bible will burn her hand when she's sworn in.

09. Might need to lie about sex with the President.

08. Stalling until the commission's term expires in May.

07. Invoking the 5th always awkward in an election year.

06. Afraid someone will ask what a woman has to do to get Chevron to name a supertanker after her.

05. No one wants to be the John Dean of this administration.

04. Just because President Bill Clinton was compelled to testify under oath in a far less important matter doesn't mean she's not above the law.

03. "Cooperating fully," means five minutes of pleasantries exchanged with a sympathetic, Republican member of the commission in private and off the record.

02. Remembers what happened to all those Warren Commission witnesses.

01. After specific warnings from the intelligence services of at least 11 countries, various Tom Clancy novels, and even an episode of the 'X-Files" spin-off "The Lone Gunmen," saying that no one "could have predicted that they would try to use a hijacked airplane as a missile," was just a wee bit misleading.

3/26/2004 Friday #106 (thanks to www.toostupidtobepresident.com)

Top 11 reasons to invade Mars.

11. Richard Perle and Paul Wolfowitz believe our forces will be greeted with flowers when they arrive.

10. Once we kick the ass of the mythological god of war, the rest of the planets in the solar system will fall peacefully in line.

09. Running out of places to not find bin Laden, Anthrax killer, CIA agent name-leaker, etc..

08. Secret video shown Saturday morning reveals that Marvin the Martian is a brutal military dictator.

07. Owes Gore a Coke on the whole "global warming" thing.

06. If there was water on Mars, their might have been life. If there was life on Mars, then there must be dead things. If there are dead things, there might be fossil fuels.

05. The invasion will pay for itself through the sale of Mars' ample reserves of Mars bars.

04. Mars is the front line in the war on imaginary, interplanetary terror (Mars Attacks! (1996), Clinton failed to respond).

03. As with Iraq, Halliburton pitched the invasion.

02. Mars itself is an intermediate goal, the ultimate prize is the natural gas of Uranus.

01. As Condi said, "We don't want the smoking gun to be the earth shattering ka-boom of the Illudium Pew-36 Explosive Space Modulator."

3/25/2004 Thursday #105 (thanks to www.toostupidtobepresident.com)

Q & A again

Q: How many George Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two. 1 to change it and 1 to lethally inject the old lightbulb.

3/24/2004 Wednesday #104 (thanks to www.gwbushjokes.com)

St. Peter Deciding What to do With George

While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a disgruntled NRA member.

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years. Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell the whole of the "Right" was there everyone laughing happy casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"

"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.

This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, whom he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great; it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."

3/23/2004 Tuesday #103 (thanks to email)

Rat Statue

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"$12 for the rat, $100 for the story," says the owner. The tourist gives the man $12.

"I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

3/22/2004 Monday #102 (thanks to email)

Bush Boys Graveyard

Three brothers Neil, Jeb and Dubya, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Neil, "It's Obidiah Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Jeb, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Dubya yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Neil.

Dubya lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Austin."

3/21/2004 Sunday #101 (thanks to email)

Top of page