Jokes of the day

001 - 100

Jay Leno again

"President Bush said we will not get directly involved in domestic and economic problems in Haiti. Of course not, Bush doesn't even get involved in domestic and economic problems here."

Jay Leno

"(John) Kerry now well on his way to reaching his magic number 2162. That's the total number of Democratic delegates he needs to win the nomination. See, for President Bush it's different; his magic number is five. That's the number of judges needed on the Supreme Court for him to win."

- Jay Leno

3/20/2004 Saturday #100 (thanks to no sleep)

Export Jobs

In his annual economic report to Congress President Bush said that the transfer of American jobs overseas is actually part of a positive transformation that will enrich the U.S. economy over time. So losing your job to someone else can be a good thing we'll see how he feels about that in November.

--Jay Leno,

3/19/2004 Friday #99 (thanks to email)

Intelligence Investigation

Bush has been forced to call for an investigation into his own intelligence. And you know what's going to happen: they're not going to find anything.

--Will Durst

3/18/2004 Thursday #98 (thanks to email)

National Guard?

The White House released documents it claims validates the president's (National Guard) service. When deciphered the documents showed that in a one-year period, 1972 and 1973, Bush received credit for nine days of active National Guard service. The traditional term of service then and now for the National Guard is one weekend a month and two full weeks a year, meaning that Bush's nine-day stint qualifies him only for the National Guard's National Guard.

That's the National Guard's National Guard, an Army of None."

--Jon Stewart, the Daily Show

3/17/2004 Wednesday #97 (thanks to email)

Bush Stamp

The U.S. Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President G. W. Bush to honor his achievements.

In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

After a month's testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

The stamp was in perfect order. There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

People were spitting on the wrong side.

3/16/2004 Tuesday #96 (thanks to email)

Coincidence or Medical Miracle?

The discovery that Bush's resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time we've had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ.

3/15/2004 Monday #95 (thanks to email)

Q and A

Q: How many George Bushes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Both of them. First Senior puts the bulb in and Junior will screw it up.

3/14/2004 Sunday #94 (thanks to email)

The College Days

Asked by a reporter about his drug use, "Was it 7 years? 25 years? or When?" A Texas friend and former frat buddy of Dubya was heard shouting:

"Stop trashing President Bush! Give the man a break! If you drank as much booze as him, and snorted as much coke, you wouldn't remember when you stopped or even if you already have!"

3/13/2004 Saturday #93 (thanks to email)

The Truth Mirror

Ralph Nader, Al Gore and George W. Bush go to a fitness spa for some fun. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decide to visit the men's room and they find a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance who says, "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!

The three are politicans, but so what - they all ran for President, so they all toy with danger. The men quickly entered and finds the mirror.

Ralph Nader steps up and says, "I think I'm the most truthful of us three" and he suddenly finds the keys to a brand new Hydrogen fueled car in his hands.

Al Gore steps up and says "I think I'm the smartest of us three" and in an instant he was surrounded by a pile of money.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George W. Bush looks into the mirror and says, "I think --", and is promptly sucked into the mirror.

3/12/2004 Friday #92 (thanks to email)

Dick's Health Confused Bush

It was reported today that at a White House staff meeting last week there was a heated discussion about the health of Dick Cheney and his angina problem.

President Bush interrupted and stated emphatically that "Men do not have anginas." The President was especially perplexed when a staffer said that Mr. Cheney has "acute angina."

3/11/2004 Thursday #91 (thanks to email)

Bush Q & A (Part 3)

Q: What does Dubya have in common with former great Presidents?

A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: What do you get when you give George Bush a penny for his thoughts?

A: Change.

Q: What is George Bush's favorite war song?

A: "Over Here"

Q: What costume did George Bush wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?

A: He came dressed as a two-term president.

Q: What is the difference between Hitler and George Bush?

A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.

Q: How is George Bush like an unemployed school teacher?

A: No class and no principals.

Q: Why does Laura Bush think her husband is a model president?

A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.

Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and George Bush?

A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.

Q: Who was the first Republican?

A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at George Bush?

A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.

Q: Why is George Bush the living proof of reincarnation?

A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.

3/10/2004 Wednesday #90 (thanks to email)

Bush Q & A (Part 2)

Q: What happened when George Bush got a shot of testosterone?

A: He turned into his mother!

Q: What's a liberal?

A: A conservative who made it through adolescence.

Q: Why can't Dubya file a defamation of character suit against his critics?

A: Because he has no character to defame.

Q: How are Boris Becker and President Bush alike?

A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.

Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?

A: Yeah, they were George Bush.

Q: What did the Hitler have that George Bush wishes he had?

A: A mandate to govern.

Q: What's the difference between George Bush and David Koresh?

A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.

Q: What's the difference between Dubya and a container of yogurt?

A: Yogurt has culture.

Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?

A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's running mate, George Bush.

Q: What is Dubya's plan to create thousands of small businesses?

A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.

3/09/2004 Tuesday #89 (thanks to email)

Saddam V. Dubya

Q. What"s the difference between George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein?

A. It took Saddam 20 years to get that unpopular.

3/08/2004 Monday #88 (thanks to email)

Sinking Boat

George W. Bush, Neil. Bush, and JEB Bush, are on a ship when it is sinking. JEB orders for all women and children to head for the life boats. George says screw the women and children! Neil says "Do we have time?"

3/07/2004 Sunday #87 (thanks to email)

Making People Happy

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Colin Powell were traveling aboard Air Force One. George looks out the window and says, "You know, I bet I could drop a $1,000 bill out the window and make one person very happy!"

Dick comments, "Yes, but I could drop ten $100 bills out the window, and make ten people very happy."

Colin responds, "Big deal! I could drop both of you out the window, and make the whole country happy!"

3/06/2004 Saturday #86 (thanks to email)

Difference between Bush and Clinton

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and George W. Bush?

When Clinton makes a mistake, a dress gets ruined. When Bush makes a mistake, a country gets ruined.

3/05/2004 Friday #85 (thanks to email)

Bush Q & A (part 1)

Q: How do you break a George Bush supporter's finger?

A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: What are the two worst things about George Bush?

A: His face.

Q: What's the difference between Dubya and a carp?

A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.

Q: What's the difference between Laura Bush and a pit bull?

A: The pit bull may not have killed her boy friend.

Q: How does Dubya say "I'm about to hurt you"?

A: "Trust me."

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, George Bush and Jane Fonda?

A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

Q: How can you tell Dubya from a bunch of dead bodies?

A: He's the stiff one.

Q: How many Dubyas does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to blame Clinton for burning it out.

Q: Why are people in Texas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!

Q: What do George Bush and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?

A: Neither one is very bright.

Q: Did you hear that the Bush had Air Force 1 remodeled?

A: Now it's got two right wings.

Q: Why is George Bush called "middle of the road Republican?"

A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his back.

Q: If George and Dick jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?

A: Who cares!

Q: If George Bush and Dick Cheney took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?

A: The United States of America!

Q: Why is George Bush diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?

A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.

3/04/2004 Thursday #84 (thanks to email)

Bush & Ninja

"I was watching TV last night. I saw an interesting documentary on the Ninja, the Japanese soldier. According to legend the Ninjas were warriors who could make themselves invisible whenever there was a war."

"Kind of like Bush and the National Guard."

--Jay Leno

3/03/2004 Wednesday #83 (thanks to email)

Burning Man Festival

Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning Man festival in The Black Rock Desert north of Reno, Nevada.

At this big hippie festival, people run around naked, drink and do drugs, or as George W. Bush likes to call it, get ready to run for President.

3/02/2004 Tuesday #82 (thanks to email)

Dubya, Cheney & Jumbo

George Bush and Dick Cheney were riding on an elephant. A group of bystanders were watching intently. All of a sudden someone in the croud shouted, "Hey look that elephant has two *ssh*l*s on it!"

Bush looked down at the elephant's rear, confused.

3/01/2004 Monday #81 (thanks to email)

Bush Gets Testy

Q: What did George W. Bush get on his S.A.T.'s?

A: Drool.

2/29/2004 Sunday #80 (thanks to email)

Bush & Clinton at the barber shop

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Bush in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Bush was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife, Laura, will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Clinton and said, "How about you Mr. President?"

Clinton replied, "Go ahead, Hillary doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

2/28/2004 Saturday #79 (thanks to email)

George & Laura in college

When George and Laura bush were in college, George said to her, "Laura.lets eat out!"

Laura said, "Okay, but can we go dutch?"

Dubya said, "Hell no, I aint wearin' those damn silly wooden shoes!"

2/27/2004 Friday #78 (thanks to email)

Bush and Gore, together again

When Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Gore came back with 12 fish and Bush came back with none.

Bush screamed for a recount.

The next day Gore came back with 17 fish and Bush once again screamed for a recount.

So on the third day, Bush sent a secret service to spy on Gore. Gore came back with 29 fish this time and Bush got none. Bush goes to the secret service spy and asks whether Gore is cheating.

"Yes," replied the spy, "he's putting holes in the ice."

2/26/2004 Thursday #77 (thanks to email)

Respecting the First Lady

After Bush was beat by Laura in the famous "choking pretzel" incident, he took her to a restaurant in Washington DC to placate her. The waiter approaches the table and asks for his order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil," answers the President.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers Dubya, "she'll order for herself."

2/25/2004 Wednesday #76 (thanks to email)

Bush Has a Short One

Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Madonna does not have one. And a priest does not use his. What is it?

A last name. Shame on you if you thought anything else.

2/24/2004 Tuesday #75 (thanks to email)

Bush in Hell

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed."

The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of sewage. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell."

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

"George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...

"OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

2/23/2004 Monday #74 (thanks to email)

Bush, Hyde and Barr in Hell

Henry Hyde, Bob Barr and George Bush all happened to die on the same day. They find themselves in a room with three closed, locked doors. As they waited for something to happen, they hear a voice from out of the air. "Henry," it said, "you have sinned by being a hypocrite by attacking President Clinton for what you yourself have done. Now you must go to door one."

It opened and a vicious dog was there just waiting. "Enter the door, Henry, and spend eternity with the dog for your sins."

After Henry left, the voice was heard again. "Bob," it said, "you are also a hypocrite for the same reason. Now you must go to door two."

It opened and a vicious bull was there just waiting. "Enter the door, Bob, and spend eternity with the bull for your sins."

After Bob left, the voice was heard again. "George," it said, "Now you must go to door three."

It opened and a beautiful woman stood there. And the voice said, "Enter the door, woman, and spend eternity with Bush for your sins."

2/22/2004 Monday #73 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Compassionate Conservatism

George Bush was spending some time at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. One afternoon, he was riding in the back of his official limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man..

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my ranch," instructed the president.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the president. He turned to the other man and said "You come with us, too".

"But, sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well," answered Bush as he headed for his limo. They all climbed in, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Bush replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place... the grass is almost a foot tall!"

2/21/2004 Sunday #72 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Bush Dreams in White House

One night, George W. Bush was awakened in the White House by the ghost of George Washington.

George W. asked the ghost, "Mr. Washington, sir, what is the best thing I can do to help the American people?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, George W., just as I did."

The following evening, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appeared before Bush in the dark bedroom.

"Mr. Jefferson, sir," George W. asked, "what is the best thing I can do to help the American people?"

"Preserve the land for future generations and stay out of foreign affairs."

Bush wasn't sleeping well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Mr. Lincoln, sir, what is the best thing I can do to help the American people?" George W. asked.

"Go see a play."

2/20/2004 Saturday #71 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Doctor Braggin' Rights

Three Texas surgeons were arguing about who had the greatest skill.

The first began, "Three years ago, I reattached three fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."

The second replied, "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."

The third said, "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on pot and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Two years ago he became President of the United States."

2/19/2004 Friday #70 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Active learning

George Bush and George Bush were dragging the deer they had just shot back to their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his along, too.

"Sirs, I don't want to tell you how to do something," he said, "But I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer the other way. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, they decided to try it. A little while later George said to George, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah," says George, "but we're getting farther from the truck."

2/18/2004 Thursday #69 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Neighbor's Help

A couple of years back, a Midland, Texas guy who was sound asleep on a rainy wet night was aroused from his slumbers by a drunk pounding on his door at 3:00 AM. His wife tells him to go answer the door so he grudgingly gets up and goes to the door.

A neighbor, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!". The guy says, "Dagnabit Georgie, it's 3:00 AM. No! I can't help you." He slams the door and goes back to bed.

And his wife says, "What was that all about?"

The guy says, "It was the Bush boy -- been a drinking again too -- big time. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not about to go out in the rain at this hour for that dang fool!"

The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation down in the creek at Red Rock and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. George the Lesser was nowhere to be seen.

He hollered, "Do you still need help? Hey Georgie, do you still need a push?"

Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, "Yeah! I still need a push."

The guy says, "Well where in tarnation are you boy?"

The drunk responds, "I'm over here on the swing!

2/17/2004 Wednesday #68 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Intelligence Test for Leadership

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen." Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

2/16/2004 Tuesday #67 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Firing Squad

The far right extremists of FreeRepublic.com, WSJ.com, Nazi.com, and KKK.com finally get it together and overthrow the government. Then they start rounding up politicians to execute.

A firing squad is convened and Al Gore, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush are all marched to a wall to be shot. As the right wing nuts are loading their guns Al Gore thinks, "I've got to cause a diversion so I can get away." He yells "Oh, no. A TORNADO" and points behind the firing squad. As the ultraconservative fruitcakes turn around to see if there is a tornado approaching, Al Gore jumps over the wall behind him and runs away.

The firing squad turns their attention back to the two men who are left. Clinton quickly observes how well Gore's ruse has worked and yells "EARTHQUAKE". As the firing squad frantically looks for a place to take cover Clinton jumps over the wall and he too escapes.

The firing squad resumes their stance and proceeds to take aim at George W. Bush. Dubya, believing that he, too, can create a diversion, frantically searches his mind for another natural disaster to use.

Smiling to himself, he yells "FIRE".

2/15/2004 Monday #66 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Circle Flies

As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya, Sir?"

Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses."

Bush says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and slowly says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

2/14/2004 Sunday #65 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Balloon Ride

George W. Bush takes his fancy new hot air balloon out for a ride. After soaring over the country side for an hour he realizes he is lost. After spotting a young girl on a farm below he descended and shouted, "Hey little girl, can you help me? I promised a friend an hour ago I would meet him, but I don't know where I am."

The young girl replies, "You are in a hot air balloon over my daddy's corn field making a racket and scaring the chickens!"

Peeved, Bush says, "Your daddy must be a Democrat."

"He is," says the girl, "but how did you know that?"

"Well," answers Bush, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I still have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. You aren't being much help."

The girl below responds, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replies Bush, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the girl, "You're way up there full of hot air looking down on the world, you don't know where you're at and you don't know where you're going. You promised something to somebody you can't deliver on, and you were in this spot before we met but somehow your predicament is all my fault."

2/13/2004 Saturday #64 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

History Challenged

George W. was asked what he thought about Roe v. Wade. He said he thought it was just about the most important decision George Washington had to make before crossing the Delaware.

2/12/2004 Friday #63 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Fuzzy math

Bob Packwood, Dick Cheney and George Dubya Bush go into a bar. Packwood orders first. "I'll have a B and C."

Bush asks, "What is a B and C?"

"Bourbon and Coke," Packwood says.

Cheney orders. "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bush muses, "What's a G and T?"

"Gin and tonic," Cheney replies.

Dubya wants to be cute, too. He says, "I'll have a 15."

"OK," the bartender asks, "What's a 15?"

Dubya says, "A 7 and 7."

2/11/2004 Thursday #62 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Republican School

A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl.

"Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?"

Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary.

"Well, what are you?" asks the teacher.

"I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl.

The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks.

Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too."

"Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "then we'd be Republicans."

2/10/2004 Wednesday #61 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Vote Count

George W. Bush, John Ashcroft, and Katherine Harris go fishing on the lake by George W.'s ranch. While speeding across the lake they hit a tree trunk which cracks a hole in the bottom of the boat. The boat starts to sink so they look for life preservers and find only one.

George W. Bush says: "I'm the President selected by the Supreme Court. The people need me to protect the nation from the new world order and the growth of the new economy and computers and such."

John Ashcroft says: "I'm the Attorney General and as the nations's chief law enforcement officer I must live so that there will be no fear or panic in the streets, if you two shall die. And besides I have to outlaw abortion, affirmative action, campaign finance reform, environmental protection, and same sex marriages to save the moral fiber of this country."

Finally, Katherine Harris says: "I'm the Florida Secretary of State and the state Republican Chairwoman, and I must survive so that I can deliver the votes needed by all the Republican officials throughout the state, and disenfranchise those minorities who vote for Democrats, so that Republicans may continue to be elected even though more people vote for Democrats."

And the three of them all agree that each has very good and moral arguments for the life preserver, so that they decide the only fair way to decide is by a vote. They cut up three squares of paper and vote by secret ballot. Then they open the ballots to tally them.

The first ballot says "George W. Bush - one vote," the second ballot says "John Ashcroft - one vote", and the third ballot says "Kathryn Harris - 7 votes."

2/9/2004 Tuesday #60 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Test For Heaven

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials.

Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

2/8/2004 Monday #59 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Republican Kittens

George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"

The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Republicans," the child says.

"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.

A couple of days later George is going to a bar with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.

George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both go over to the boy with the box.

George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."

The boy replies, "They're Democrats."

"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now"

2/7/2004 Sunday #58 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Post Turtle

A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer. Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young Bush is a post turtle."

Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?"

Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he cain't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down."

2/6/2004 Saturday #57 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Puzzle Triumph

Bush's closest advisors came to visit him at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle.

They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment.

"Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time."

When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great.

"Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"

2/5/2004 Friday #56 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Boxers v. Briefs

During Bob Dole's run for the president, a reporter asked him: Boxer's or briefs?

Dole's answer?

Depends

2/4/2004 Thursday #55 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

South Again

What did Strom Thurmond say the first time he tried Viagra?

"The South's gonna rise again!"

2/3/2004 Wednesday #54 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Word Lesson

On one of his photo-op tours, W. went to an elementary school and watched the first grade class as they were studying words. The teacher asked W. if he'd like to help her teach the kids about words?

He replied, "Sure. Children, today's word is 'Tragedy.' Can anybody tell me what Tragedy means?"

One little girl raised her hand and said "If a kid gets hit by a car that would be a Tragedy."

W. looked at her and said, "No, I am sorry, you are wrong. That would be an Accident. A terrible Accident, but that would not be a Tragedy."

A little boy raised his hand and said "What if a whole school bus of little kids went over the cliff and crashed? Surely that would be a Tragedy."

Again W. shook his head. "No, I am sorry, you are wrong. That would be a Great Loss, but that would not be a Tragedy."

Finally another little boy raised his hand and said, "I know, Mr. Bush. If you were flying on Air Force One and got shot down by a terrorist, that would bea Tragedy."

"Very good, young man, that would be a Tragedy," W. said. "And how did you arrive at that answer?"

"Well," said the little boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure wouldn't be no Great Loss."

2/2/2004 Tuesday #53 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Sky Diving

One day Dubya decides he wants to learn to sky dive so he talks to Cheney who has done it before. Cheney agrees to teach him how so they go up in AirForce 1 somewhere over Texas and Cheney says to Dubya "Jump out and pull your rip cord. I'll be right behind you and we'll go down together OK?"

Bush jumps out and pulls his ripcord and starts floating down. Cheney jumps out and immediately has a heart attack and flies past Dubya.

Bush sees Cheney streaking past and screams, undoing his parachute, "So ya wanna race huh?"

2/1/2004 Monday #52 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Fresh on a Train

Bill Clinton and W Bush were riding on a train. A gorgeous blonde and an old woman sat down across from them. The train went into a tunnel and a loud SLAP was heard. When the train came out of the tunnel there was a bright red mark on Bush's cheek.

The old woman thought, "That animal Bill Clinton, he must have made a pass at the blonde and she slapped Bush by mistake."

The blonde thought, "That animal Bill Clinton, he must have made a pass at me, grabbed the old woman by mistake and she slapped Bush by mistake."

W. Bush thought, "That animal Bill Clinton, he must have made a pass at the blonde and she slapped me by mistake."

Bill Clinton thought, "Every time we go through a tunnel I'm going to slap that smirking chimp."

1/31/2004 Sunday #51 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Rooster Puzzle

Cheney gets a call, "I've got a problem," says W.

"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.

"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I've found this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks Cheney.

"It's of a big rooster," replies W.

"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look." So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office.

The secretary lets Cheney into the Office and W calls him over to the couch.

W points and shows him the jigsaw on the coffee table.

Cheney looks at the jigsaw and then turns to W and says, "For Christ's sake, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."

1/30/2004 Saturday #50 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Difference?

Q. What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg?

A. One's a flaming Nazi gasbag and the other one's a dirigible.

1/29/2004 Friday #49 (thanks to AllHatNoCattle)

Breaking News: God Overrules Supreme Court

Bush to be smitten later today

In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush.

"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit."

"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."

Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.

"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."

"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean."

God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot."

"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."

Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former Presidential appointee into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.

Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.

1/28/2004 Thursday #48 (thanks to ToppleBush)

George Bush in Library

The president goes into a library. "I would like a cheeseburger and fries," he says in a loud, clear voice."

"But sir," says the assistant, "this is a library."

"Gee, I'm sorry," says Bush, and whispers very quietly, "I'd like a cheeseburger and fries."

1/27/2004 Wednesday #47 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Bush Gets Coded Message From Saddam

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Saddam is still alive', Saddam decides to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.

Bush opens the letter and sees only a coded message: "370HSSV-0773H". He can't figure it out, so he asks Karl Rove.

Rove suggests that the head of the CIA would certainly understand code, so Bush sends it to George Tenet. Tenet, however, can't figure it out, either. He suggests, "How about Condi? She has a doctorate, that means she's smart."

But Dr. Rice is baffled, too. As Bush is pondering the mysterious message lying on the desk before him, Colin Powell enters the Oval Office. When he sees the paper and reads what is written on it, he asks, "Sir, where did that come from?"

Bush replies testily, "Supposedly it's a message from Saddam. But what the hell does '370HSSV-0773H' mean?"

Powell clears his throat and replies, "Mr. President, I think you've been looking at the message upside down."

1/26/2004 Tuesday #46 (thanks to ToppleBush)

George Bush Spots Moses

George Bush was visiting Mubarak in Egypt and they were out in the boondocks and George sees an old man with a white beard and hair in the distance and asks Mubarak, "Isn't that Moses"?

George was so convinced it was Moses that he called out and motioned to the man to come, but the man turned and started walking away. George, being a jogger, ran after him and caught up to him and stopped him and exclaimed, "You MUST be Moses".

The man replied, "Go away, the last time I talked to a bush, I had to roam the desert for 40 years."

1/25/2004 Monday #45 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Saddam Hussein Meets George Bush

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.

"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

1/24/2004 Sunday #44 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Bush and Powell in Bar

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WWIII."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smartass! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

1/23/2004 Saturday #43 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Saddam and George Bush Meet Again

Saddam Hussein is touring in the United States [yes, this does seem quite implausible] and meets up with President Bush at the White House. They discuss current events and then Saddam says to Bush, "You know this United States...It is a remarkable country! Everywhere I go I see large pictures of myself on walls and windows and all of them say, 'Hooray, For Saddam Hussein!' I must have seen hundreds of these pictures everywhere praising me."

Bush scratches his head and thinks for moment how this could be and then says to Saddam, "You know the last time I toured your country I too noticed pictures of myself on windows and buildings everywhere."

"Okay," replied Hussein, "But what did they say?"

"I don't know," replied Bush, "I couldn't read them. I don't read Hebrew."

1/22/2004 Friday #42 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Bush and Cheney Having Lunch

Bush wins the election. He and Cheney are having lunch at a diner near the White House. Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says "Honey, could I have a quickie?"

She's horrified! She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you," and she marches off.

Cheney leans over and says, "George, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE.'"

1/21/2004 Thursday #41 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Bush Impressed by Gold Urinal

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal! That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

"Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!" Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."

1/20/2004 Wednesday #40 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Bush and Cheney Make Bet

George Bush and Dick Cheney are watching the 6 o'clock news on TV one evening. Cheney bets Bush $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump.

"I'll take that bet," Bush replied. A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. Cheney, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to Bush and tells him that he does not need to pay the $50.

"No, a bet's a bet," Bush replied, "I owe you $50 dollars."

Cheney, feeling even more guilty, replied, "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."

"That's okay," said Bush, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

1/19/2004 Tuesday #39 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Bush Meeting the Queen in London

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.

She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...."

1/18/2004 Monday #38 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Bush Trips While Jogging

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."

Bush says, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

Bush says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"

The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!!"

1/17/2004 Sunday #37 (thanks to ToppleBush)

The Bush Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

1/16/2004 Saturday #36 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Ascroft Visits an Elementary School

Attorney General Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. After the typical civics presentation, he announces, "All right, boys and girls, you can all ask me questions now."

A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have 3 questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?

2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?

3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"

Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground. Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back in class and again.

Ashcroft says, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can all ask me questions."

A young girl raises her hand and says, "I have 5 questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?

2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?

3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?

4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?

5. Where's Bobby?"

1/15/2004 Friday #35 (thanks to ToppleBush)

The Robotic Bartender

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, when the first customer came in for a drink and the robot asked, "What's your IQ"?

The customer replied, "130."

The robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The customer listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another customer came in for a drink and the robot asked, "What's your IQ?"

The man responded, "100" and the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on. The customer thought, "Wow, this is really cool."

When a third customer came in to the bar the robot asked, "What's your IQ?"

The customer replied, "What's an IQ?".

The robot asked, "So, hear Rush Limbaugh talking about George Bush yesterday?"

1/14/2004 Thursday #34 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Grape Nuts

Did you know that George Bush is so dumb that when someone told him he had "Grape Nuts" George thought he had an STD.

1/13/2004 Wednesday #33 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Bush Depression Collection

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About four hundred gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

1/12/2004 Tuesday #32 (thanks to ToppleBush)

British v. American Language

Americans have different ways of saying things."

They say "elevator", we say "lift" ...'

They say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git."

1/11/2004 Monday #31 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Christmas in Washington

The Supreme Court has ruled there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas.

This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

1/10/2004 Sunday #30 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Bush and Caesar

After returning from his bold, daring, death-defying visit in Iraq, our hero George W. Bush turned his magnificent mind to matters of the intellect and enrolled in Latin 101.

In the course of his study Bush encountered the words of Julius Caesar: "Veni, vidi, vici."

Bush translated that to read: "I snuck in, I snuck out, I got home safely."

1/09/2004 Saturday #29 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Sociopath from a Rich Family

Q: What do you call a sociopath from a rich family?

A: Mr. President

1/08/2004 Friday #28 (thanks to ToppleBush)

A Test of Your Ethics: What would you do?

This test only has one question, but it's an important one. Don't answer without giving it serious thought. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make an important moral choice. Remember, your answer must be honest but spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly - this is important for the test to work correctly.

You are in Florida. In Miami, in a helicopter.

There is chaos all around below you - massive floods caused by a hurricane. You are a CNN photographer in the middle of this disaster trying to take a Pulitzer prize-winning photo. Houses and people are floating around you, being swept under the raging water...

Suddenly you see a man, desperately trying to steer a Hummer through the water fighting to prevent the monster SUV from being swept away, but rapidly losing the battle.

You look closer and you recognize the man: It's George W. Bush! The raging waters are about to sweep him away forever.

You have two options. You can save the life of George W. or you can shoot the picture of your life... and thereby cause the death of our President.

So, here's the question: (Please give an honest answer)

Black & white or color?

1/07/2004 Thursday #27 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Kerry, Nader, and Bush on Airplane

Kerry, Nader, and Bush are on an airplane. Nader throws $100 dollars in one-dollar bills off the plane. "I just made one hundred people happy!," he exclaims with pride.

George Bush throws a $1,000 bill off the plane. "I just made one-million Americans happy," he boasts, turning to Kerry.

Without hesitation, Kerry picks Bush and Nader up and throws them off the plane.

"I just made the world happy."

1/06/2004 Wednesday #26 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Soldiers Patrolling Near Tikrit

American soldiers are patroling a desolate road near Tikrit, when they come upon an armed Iraqi soldier, lying dead in a roadside ditch. Just then, they hear a groan from across the road, and they rush over to find a badly wounded American soldier. As they lift him into their jeep, they ask what happened.

"I was face to face with that Iraqi, right here in the middle of the road, my gun on him, his pointed at me ... neither one of making the first move. Finally, the tension was too much, so I shouted out 'Saddam is an asshole!'

Well, he stared right back at me and said, 'George Bush is a son of a bitch!'

We were still shaking hands when the truck hit us."

1/05/2004 Tuesday #25 (thanks to ToppleBush)

Late Night with Bush I

"Today, the United Nations approved a resolution to lift the sanctions against Iraq. ... Yeah, the move will allow Iraqis to buy things they don't have, such as medicine and weapons of mass destruction."

-Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon said this week that the war in Iraq has cost $20 billion so far. The breakdown is operations: $10 billion; personnel: $6 billion; getting Bush re-elected: priceless."

-Bill Maher

"All over Baghdad, Iraqi looters have been breaking into banks and walking out with millions of dollars in Iraqi money. As a result, they now qualify for President Bush's tax cut."

-Conan O'Brien

"In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. ... The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole."

-Jon Stewart

"White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said that while President Bush is monitoring the situation in Iraq, he is leaving the day-to-day decision making to the military experts. First they kick Geraldo out, then we rescued that female soldier, now we find out Bush isn't making the decisions. No wonder the stock market went up today."

-Jay Leno

"Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob."

-Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'"

-Conan O'Brien

1/04/2004 Monday #24 (thanks to www.gwbushjokes.com)

Late Night with Bush II

"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular."

-Jay Leno

"New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut."

-Craig Kilborn

"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida."

-Jay Leno

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either."

-David Letterman

"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'"

-Craig Kilborn

"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline."

-Jay Leno

"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out."

-Jay Leno

"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?"

-Jay Leno

1/03/2004 Sunday #23 (thanks to www.gwbushjokes.com)

Bush Question

Q: What were George W. Bush's three hardest years?

A: Second grade.

1/02/2004 Saturday #22 (thanks to www.gwbushjokes.com)

Dubya & Daddy

George W. Bush said he is going to run his own campaign and be his own man. The amazing thing is he said this while his father was drinking a glass of water.

1/01/2004 Friday #21 (thanks to www.gwbushjokes.com)

Bush Question

Q: What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?

A: A George W. Bush watch.

12/31/2003 Thursday #20 (thanks to www.gwbushjokes.com)

Bush Question

Q: What's the difference George Bush and a chimpanzee?

A: One has nearly the mental abilities of a human child and the other likes to eat bananas.

12/30/2003 Wednesday #19 (thanks to www.gwbushjokes.com)

Pat, Newt and George Question

Pat Buchanan, Newt Gingrich, & George W. Bush are in a boat in the middle of the ocean. The boat is sinking. Who gets saved?

The American People!

12/29/2003 Tuesday #18 (thanks to www.gwbushjokes.com)

Bush Question I

Q: How many George Bushs does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else, and one to blame Clinton for the burnt out bulb.

12/28/2003 Monday #17 (thanks to www.gwbushjokes.com)

Bush Question II

Q: How can you tell if George W. Bush is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

12/27/2003 Sunday #16 (thanks to www.gwbushjokes.com)

Bush Question III

Q: How many Bush supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Six, one to turn the bulb and five to create a related tax loophole for the rich.

12/26/2003 Saturday #15 (thanks to www.gwbushjokes.com)

Bush Question IV

Q: What happens when you cross James Dean with George Bush?

A: You get a rebel without a clue.

12/25/2003 Friday #14 (thanks to www.gwbushjokes.com)

Bush Question V

Q: Why is George Bush so hard-headed?

A: His skull protects the weakest part of his body.

12/24/2003 Thursday #13 (thanks to www.gwbushjokes.com)

Bush's most unpopular action

President Dubya Bush, speaking in private with his advisor on public favor, told him that the planned invasion of Haiti will be the most unpopular thing that he has ever done as the President of the United States.

"Actually, sir, according to our research, the most unpopular thing you've ever done was to be inaugurated as President. It's just been downhill from there."

12/23/2003 Wednesday #12 (thanks to email)

A new dog at the White House

Dubya Bush is walking a dog around the White House lawn early one morning.

He walks it past the guard's post, and the marine says "Mr. President, is that a new dog?"

Bush smiles, and replies, "Why yes, I got it for Laura."

The marine looks at the the dog, looks up with a smile and says, "Excellent trade."

12/22/2003 Tuesday #11 (thanks to email)

The punishments in hell

A man dies, and he's looking in the gates of hell.

There he sees John McCain with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, "Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that's his punishment."

The man looks around a little more and sees George Bush with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks "What's Georgen doing with that model?"

The devil replied, "Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life."

12/21/2003 Monday #10 (thanks to email)

Worries about early morning jogs

The Secret Service has been worried by Dubya Bush's practice of taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to have been a draft, and Bush was able to dodge it.

12/20/2003 Sunday #9 (thanks to email)

What are you sculpting there?

A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what are you doing?"

The boy replied, "I am making Dick Cheney with this manure, Mister."

Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making Dick Cheney? Why not make, er, George Bush?"

The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make George Bush."

"But why not?" asked the man.

The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough here to make George Bush."

12/19/2003 Saturday #8 (thanks to email)

President George W. Bush visits Pearly Gates

President Bush died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Dubya Bush".

"What bad things did you do on Earth?"

Bush thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked crack, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I was always drunk first. I guess I had some affairs and that abortion, but you couldn't hold that against me because no one called them affairs and she said it wasn't her time to get pregnant! And I lied, but Karl Rove told me to."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' Don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering but don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

12/18/2003 Friday #7 (thanks to email)

The attributes of Bush's Social Security plan

The Bush Seocial Security Plan has the:

1. Simplicity of the IRS.

2. Results of rent control.

3. Efficiency of the Post Office.

4. The fringe benefits of higher taxes

5. Management success of Bush's national debt.

6. Bureaucracy of the Dept. of Agriculture.

7. Dependency of a weather forecaster.

12/17/2003 Thursday #6 (thanks to email)

Bush success list

My list of accomplishments for my first three years as the President. I will only be recording those good things that I have done. After all, the police and investigation teams already have a nice file on me down at their offices for the "other" things I have done.

My list of accomplishments for my first six years as the President of the United States:

1.

12/16/2003 Wednesday #5 (thanks to email)

Bush's wish for world peace

Bush is on the beach at Martha's Vinyard and finds that an old bottle has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it a very wan Genie snakes out.

Genie: Hi George. I'm a very weak genie, so I can only grant you one wish--it had better be easy if you want me to do it.

Bush: I pray for world peace. Give me that.

Genie: That's a little hard, give me something easier.

Bush: Make me smart enough to understand what is going on in the world?

Genie: World peace it is.

12/15/2003 Tuesday #4 (thanks to email)

Find out who is in control

At a recent interview, it seems that George Bush broke out in rage after being asked a line of questions about him being controlled.

Interviewer: "Who pulls your strings, George? What special interests control you?"

Bush (visibly upset): "You leave Rove out of this!"

12/14/2003 Monday #3 (thanks to email)

Bush Administration Dictionary

Acute: Opposite of an ugly

Artery: The study of paintings

Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria

Barium: What doctors do to dead patients

Benign: What you are after you're eight.

Bowel: Letter like A,E,I,O, or U

Cat scan: Searching for a kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Cesarean Section: Neighborhood in Rome

Colic: A sheep dog

Concussion: A prisoner's sofa

Congenital: To be friendly

D & C: Where the White House is

Dilate: To live too long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker

Fibula: A small lie

GI series: A soldier ball game

Hangnail: A coat hook

Impotent: Distinguished, well known

Jaundice: To include in a group

Kinesthetics: Relationships among relatives

Labor pain: Getting hurt at work

Leper: A wild cat

Malaria: Shopping place

Medical staff: A doctor's cane

Morbid: A higher bid

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates

Node: Was aware of

Outpatient: A person who fainted

Pelvis: A cousin of Elvis

Post-operative: A letter carrier

Recovery room: A place used for upholstery work.

Rectum: It almost killed him

Rheumatic: Amorous

Secretion: Hiding something

Seizure: A Roman emperor

Serology: Study of English Knighthood

Tablet: A small table

Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport

Tumor: More than one

Urine: Opposite of you're out

Varicose: Nearby

Vein: Conceited

12/13/2003 Sunday #2 (thanks to email)

Chased by a bear

George W Bush, Dick Cheny and Bush's mama, Barbara, are having a holiday at the North Pole. George W weighs ... Well, we know how light he is. Cheny weighs so much, and Miss Barabara, well, we won't mention a lady's weight. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh.

Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help: the bear comes closer.

They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so that the two others will be able to escape.

"You should do it", George W. says to Cheny, "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can't expect Mama, here, to fight the bear."

"I guess you're right", Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts, "For the G-O-P!", and gets killed by the bear.

"Thank God for my brains", George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the chase.

"Now it's your time, mama", George W. says. "Your weight is bigger than mine and a good mama sacrifices herself for her childern."

"George!" G. W's mama says.

G.W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard.

His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us he put there. "I guess you're right", she says, and she also jumps out and gets killed.

"Thank God for my brains", George W. giggles.

But still the bear won't stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad, and he shouts out : "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!"

12/12/2003 Saturday #1 (thanks to email)

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