The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
After being blind-sided by Michael Strahan’s upcoming departure, Kelly Ripa returned to “Live with Kelly and Michael” today, where the co-anchors were reunited. The reunion was going great, until Beyoncé showed up and handed Ripa a baseball bat.
Happy birthday to Melania Trump, who turned 46 today. She spent her birthday like she always does — telling Donald that she's 23.
Today was another big day for the election. There were five different primaries in Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. Or as Hillary Clinton put it, “Why, those just happen to be my five favorite states!”
Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a loose cannon and said, “Loose cannons tend to misfire.” Trump was like, “My cannon works just fine, I guarantee you, there’s no problem. I’ve already discussed this.”
According to a new poll that just came out, 50 percent of Republicans say they could support Donald Trump. The other 50 percent are a group calling themselves "Women."
Hillary Clinton has been attacking Donald Trump over his "country club" lifestyle. Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend.
Donald Trump is now making fun of what he calls John Kasich's "disgusting" table manners. As an example, Trump named Kasich's gross habit of having dinner with a wife who’s about his own age.
A teacher in Arkansas is in trouble for giving alcohol to underage students. But to be fair, just because you’re in fifth grade in Arkansas, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re under 21.
In a new interview, Ted Cruz said, "I’ve changed a lot of diapers." After hearing this, Bernie Sanders made him his running mate.
The Late Late Show with James Corden
Today was Super Tuesday where states like Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Delaware hold their primaries. Seriously, we have to stop calling these Super Tuesdays. Nothing super has ever happened on a Tuesday in Delaware.
Lena Dunham, star of the HBO show "Girls," threatened to move to Vancouver if Trump became president. Trump said, “Well, she's a ‘B’ actor and, you know, has no mojo.” I can't believe Trump snapped back about Lena Dunham. Usually, he just ignores that kind of stuff and gracefully moves on.
Celebrities can't move to Canada, that's not how this works. All of America's best celebrities come from Canada. Ryan Gosling? Canadian. Justin Bieber? Canadian. Ryan Reynolds? Canadian. And those are just the ones I had a dream about last night.
Canada gave us all these great celebrities, and we repay them by treating them like our college buddy's futon. “Well, I guess if things get really bad, I could crash with Canada for a while.”
I really love how Trump calls Lena Dunham a "B" actor. Which is big talk from the man who played Waldo's dad in the remake of “Little Rascals.” If Lena Dunham is a “B” actor, he's a “D” actor.
Whatever celebrities think, Trump is a hit with voters. Maybe it's because he panders to them. At a rally in Rhode Island, deep in the heart of New England Patriot country, Trump yelled, “Leave Tom Brady alone!” The crowd went crazy. Getting cheers by saying “leave Tom Brady alone” in New England is as easy as getting cheers for saying, "Donald Trump should not be president."
Trump's been pandering like this wherever he goes. In New York, he said pizza is the best. In Portland, he said gluten is the devil's handiwork. And in Florida, he said nothing beats doing meth in a Walmart parking lot.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
It's the sequel to Super Tuesday 3. There were primaries in five states. I feel like we've had primaries in some of these states — didn't we do Connecticut already? I was interested to find out who won, but what I'm more interested in is to see what new way the losers will explain why they still have a chance tomorrow.
Of course, the biggest loser is us. We have six more months of this.
The polls said Donald Trump was going to steam-roll his rivals in Pennsylvania, and he did. Next, he's going to build a hotel on top of them.
Ted Cruz and John Kasich made a pact so they would each have a better chance of stopping Donald Trump from getting the delegates he needs. It’s a halfhearted alliance between two guys who don't like each other. Somehow Donald Trump has turned this into an episode of “The Apprentice.” This is exactly what Gary Busey and Meatloaf would do.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Bernie Sanders said it’s a great idea to have a woman as vice president. John McCain was like, “Is it?!”
Both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were favored to sweep today’s primaries in Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. And John Kasich is still polling very high in the state of denial.
A woman named “Nazi” yesterday won the 2016 U.S. Chess Championship. Apparently she claimed the title after a woman named “France” just gave up.
According to a new study, people with several plants around their homes often live longer. Willie Nelson was like, “Oh hell yeah!”
Taco Bell is reportedly testing making taco shells from fried chicken. Which should finally answer the age-old question: “911 — what’s your emergency?”