The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
It’s the Republican Convention and Donald Trump returned to Cleveland ahead of tomorrow night’s speech. A lot of people noted that Trump was greeted by his whole family when he landed, except for his wife, Melania. Even weirder, Michelle Obama WAS there.
The chief creative officer for Chipotle is facing charges for buying cocaine seven times since January. His co-workers could tell he had a cocaine problem, because not even people at Chipotle need to go to the bathroom THAT much.
Aviation companies claim a newly developed virtual reality headset will actually help pilots fly in poor visibility and land in difficult conditions. So if you’re boarding your next flight and you see the pilot putting a giant box over his head, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight! “It’s like I’m REALLY flying!” “You ARE flying. Pay attention!”
San Diego has been hosting its annual Comic-Con. Yep, it’s been a great place to get away from people playing Pokémon . . . just to be around people DRESSED as Pokémon.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Donald Trump Jr. spoke at the Republican Convention and said his dad was his best friend, which is sweet and a little sad.
I was imagining if my dad was running for president, and I thought about it for a long time. I think my speech could say, “My dad taught me the most important thing — when someone offers you his finger and asks you to pull it, don't. Nothing good comes of it.”
One of the things I've been enjoying most about the convention, almost everyone refers to him as Donald J. Trump, like there's another one running around. But I've thoroughly enjoyed everyone saying it. The "J" is a big thing. And a lot of people don't realize, the "J" stands for Jamal.
The most unusual comments were made by former Trump rival Dr. Ben Carson. Speaking with the authority of a brain surgeon that had performed a lobotomy on himself, he said Lucifer is Hillary’s top running mate. That's how you feel the Bern.
A good thing they have a doctor there because some members of the convention contracted the norovirus, losing bowel control. It’s basically what happened to Chris Christie after walking off stage when he endorsed Trump.
You probably know what happened, Melania Trump being accused of stealing her speech from Mrs. Obama. And then a speechwriter took responsibility, saying Melania told her she admires Mrs. Obama, and the woman that actually wrote the things Melania pretended to write, admitted she pretended to write the things that Melania to pretended to write.
But if you had to give a speech in Slovenia-ish, you would have to write a few paragraphs in English, too.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
A number of college professors are saying that Melania Trump's convention speech earlier this week would classify as plagiarism in some academic settings. While in other academic settings [displays logo of Trump University], it would earn you a Ph.D. in "Speechinating."
Paul Ryan last night told the Republican convention's audience that they can get through next week's Democratic convention with a little help from the mute button. And speaking of which [displays photo of Dr. Ben Carson], the mute button also gave a speech last night.
A 91-year-old woman in Germany is under investigation for destruction of property after she tried filling in words on a crossword puzzle on display at an art museum. If charged, the woman could face time in a four-letter word for enclosure.
A city in Uruguay this weekend held a cannabis cup, where a panel of experts judged marijuana on aroma, flavor, effects, and strength. The experts were like, "We did?"