The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Ted Cruz is actually being considered by Donald Trump to be attorney general. Though it will be pretty awkward when he shows up on his first day of work and Trump goes, “I said ‘Tom Cruise.’”
Yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Mike Pence had lunch together. Pence was like, “I’m eager to discuss the issues facing our nation.” While Biden said, “If you tell the waiter it’s your birthday, you get a free piece of cake.”
Ricky Martin announced that he is engaged to his boyfriend, who happens to be Syrian. Ricky got down on one knee and said, “Will you help me make Donald Trump’s head explode?”
Carrie Fisher said that she went public with her affair with Harrison Ford because she felt like she waited an appropriate amount of time. Specifically, she said it was “a long time ago in a Winnebago far, far away.”
There’s a new workout where people crawl like a baby. It’s a new thing, because it strengthens your core while working your shoulders and hips. In response, babies were like, “Have you seen our bodies?”
During President Obama’s visit to Greece yesterday, huge anti-Obama protests broke out. However, Obama was able to quiet down the crowd by saying, “Wait till you see the next guy.”
A woman has been charged with filing a false police report after posting that she had been kidnapped on Facebook. People grew suspicious when the woman “liked” her own kidnapping.
Ben from “The Bachelor” has called off his wedding. Apparently, Donald Trump wants to interview him for secretary of defense.
An artificially intelligent sex robot is expected to hit the market next year. Because that’s what guys want in a sex robot — intelligence.
According to a new study, marijuana users are twice as likely to suffer from a heart condition known as stress cardiomyopathy. But they’re three times as likely not to care.
The Late Late Show with James Corden
Today was the American Cancer Society’s Great American Smokeout event, which encourages people to stop smoking and help their loved ones do the same. That’s right, quit smoking a week after Trump was elected. Good luck with that.
Now, I am all for anti-smoking campaigns but the Great American Smokeout just makes it sound like a really fun barbecue. They should call it something like “The Great American Oh My God, Please Stop, You Are Going to Die.”
If you have a loved one who is still smoking now, now is a great time to help them quit. Then again in two weeks. And then again right after Christmas, the holidays are always stressful. Then there’s New Year’s Day . . .
There’s exciting news from the world of technology, experts say that in the future sex with robots will become so popular that it could replace sex with humans by 2050. So, basically, in the very near future, instead of texting “U up?” you’ll be texting “U on?”
Apparently this will even go beyond sex, and you’ll actually be able to seduce the robots. What? The whole point of having sex with a robot is that you don’t have to seduce it! I don’t talk my microwave into heating up my coffee. “I’m going to put this cup of coffee inside you for about 90 seconds, OK? And I want to you get real hot!”
It’s going to be awkward when the robots need repairs. Do you just show up to the Genius bar with a human-sized duffel bag like, “Hey, uh . . . this is 900 iPods.”
A study published in the journal Menopause revealed that as they age, women tend to have better memories than men. There is no way this is true. Back when I was single, every woman I met in a bar couldn’t even remember her own phone number. They were always giving me the wrong ones by accident.
Guys, this explains why your wife is like, “Did you remember to bring home milk?” And you’re like, “Who the hell are you?”