Late Night From 01/14

"Hello, there, I'm Conan O'Brien, NBC's employee of the month." –Conan O'Brien

"Now, there's a rumor. This came out today. There's a rumor that NBC is so upset with me, they want to keep me off the air for three years. That's what they say. Yeah, my response to that is, if NBC doesn't want people to see me, just leave me on NBC. It's like I'll be in the witness protection program." –Conan O'Brien

"Time sure does fly, though. It's crazy to think about this. Do you realize that a baby born on the day we did our first 'Tonight Show' is now a slightly larger baby?" –Conan O'Brien

"Now, my future is, well, it's pretty uncertain right now, and this is absolutely true, I'm not making this up. I received a letter from the adult film company Pink Visual, offering me a role in one of their porno movies. That's true. That's absolutely true. It's great, yeah. In the movie, I'd be having sex with a beautiful woman, and just as we're about to climax, I get replaced by Jay Leno." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that an 8-year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government's airport watch list because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So, it's been a really bad week for little Skippy bin Laden." –Conan O'Brien

'Welcome to the new show, 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Off NBC!'" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has signed with Fox News to be a correspondent. Well, in a statement today, Fox said if Palin does a good job, they'll sign her to a longtime contract. If she doesn't work out, they'll just blame Leno. That's what they said." –Jay Leno

"As you know, security is being upgraded at airports all across the country. They're really cracking down. In fact, today, Osama bin Laden's name was put on the do-not-fly list." –Jay Leno

As you know, a little bit of controversy going on here at NBC. Actually the 'Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien' ratings have gone up. They've gone up. ... So, you're welcome." –Jay Leno

"Do you folks know what is going on with NBC and the trouble they're having with Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien? I thought this was nice. President Obama invited Jay and Conan to the White House for a beer." –David Letterman

"Our good friend, Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is a contributor to Fox News. Only been there a couple days. Already making friends. Today, she loaned Glenn Beck some mascara that does not run when you cry." –David Letterman

"She's doing a lot of public speaking, and next week, she will be in Las Vegas speaking at a liquor convention. And what a coincidence, because I think McCain was drunk when he picked her." –David Letterman

"There's big news out of Washington today. President Obama announced a plan to recover federal bailout money from banks. I guess that explains why Biden was seen yesterday buying a gun and a ski mask." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview with People magazine, Michelle Obama said that she's heard about MTV's 'Jersey Shore,' but she hasn't seen it. It's funny. That's exactly what the people on 'Jersey Shore' said about the Obamas." –Jimmy Fallon

"The latest NBC news, if you're interested is, not only will Conan O'Brien be replaced by Jay Leno of the 'Tonight Show,' possibly as soon as after next week is the rumor, Jay Leno also gets custody of Conan's youngest child. He had a really bad contract." " –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's kind of sad to see what's happened to NBC. You know, when I was a young man, just beginning to blossom, my breasts were starting to fill out, NBC was number one. They had 'Cosby' and 'Cheers' and great shows. Now, they're a mess. Like going on your high school reunion and the homecoming king went bald and works in a lawn mower repair shop.'" –Jimmy Kimmel