Late Night With Seth Meyers
During a meeting with the president of Panama today, President Trump said, “We did a good job building the Panama Canal,” despite the fact that the canal was constructed over a century ago. Mr. President, if you’re going to keep saying stuff this dumb in front of other world leaders, could you at least wear a big bandage on your head? You know, so it seems like there’s a reason.
Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly seen dancing this weekend at a wedding in Washington, D.C. Gotta say, I’m impressed. If I had read that many of Anthony Weiner’s emails, I don’t think I’d ever dance again.
The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda.
According to a new survey, about 1 in 5 dads said they feel guilty about not being present enough with their children. Then again, 1 out of 5 dads is all they could find.
Two Australian farmers recently created a kind of vodka made from carrots. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties.
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
Last week, The Washington Post reported that the president was under investigation for obstruction of justice — but, of course, that is just speculation from a hostile newspaper using anonymous sources, so Donald Trump did the smart thing and made no comment. I’m just kidding.
On Friday, he tweeted, “I am being investigated for firing the FBI director by the man who told me to fire the FBI director! Witch hunt.” Mr. President, you know the phrase “You better lawyer up?” It’s short for “You better get a lawyer — and shut up.”
Because Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein was in on talks about firing Comey, he may need to recuse himself from the Russia probe. He would be the third member of this investigation to be gone, after Attorney General Jeff sessions and former FBI Director James Comey. It’s all in the latest season of “Survivor: Justice Department Island.”