The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump appears to be softening some of his anti-immigration views lately. So it sounds to me like someone’s shopping for a new wife.
In Britain yesterday, 90-year-old Queen Elizabeth told reporters, “I’m still alive.” It was in response to the question, “What’s the first thing you tell Prince Charles every day?”
Today, Democrats said the committee investigating Hillary Clinton’s involvement with Benghazi was a "witch hunt." Hillary tried to respond, but just then a house fell on her.
On stage in Indianapolis, the Dalai Lama got a fit of the giggles. When asked why he said, "For decades people have been saying to me 'hello, Dalai' and I finally got it."
A new porn site is donating a penny to charity each time someone watches one of their porn videos. So finally, a reason to watch porn.
Volkswagen's settlement for its emissions cheating scandal is going to cost it nearly $15 billion. A spokesperson for Volkswagen said, "We’ve never been so embarrassed — and we were founded by Hitler."
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Not only is former Olympic gold medalist Caitlyn Jenner the first transgender to be on the cover of "Sports Illustrated," she is also the first sequined person on the cover.
Isn't that a little strange to put her on the "Where are they now?" issue? Should have saved her for the "Who are they now?" issue.
It's tricky for journalists to write about Caitlyn Jenner, because she was a 65-year-old man, now she's a 2-year-old woman. She's a toddler with a gold medal, which is impressive.
Barnes & Noble, the bookstore, has not been doing great. They have a new plan to attract customers. They're planning to open four bookstores next year that serve beer and wine. They hope that offering alcohol will encourage more people to come in. To me this is clearly a Barnes idea; Noble would never be involved in this.
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
There's a thing called the Euro Cup soccer tournament. It's happening right now in France. And yesterday, Iceland, the tiniest nation in the tournament, beat powerhouse England 2-1. This is the worst thing to happen to England in four days.
Iceland is so deserted right now, it looks like Iceland.
After the shocking upset, the coach of the English team immediately resigned. Just like British Prime Minister David Cameron did after the Brexit vote.
Just yesterday, Rio's acting governor warned the Olympics could be a "big failure," which is actually an improvement, because until yesterday, it looked like a massive catastrophe.
Corruption and crime aren't the only things plaguing the Olympics. There's also actual plague, because fear over the Zika virus, which can cause birth defects, has led some athletes to stay home and others to take special precautions, like freezing their sperm. "What's going on in there?" "Don't open the door. I'm training for the Olympics!"