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Late Night From 10/15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
During an interview, Senator John McCain declared that the U.S. isn't winning the war against ISIS. Even ISIS said, “Well, not with THAT attitude.”

Dallas Cowboys running back Joseph Randle was arrested for stealing cologne and a two-pack of underwear from a store in Texas. That's disappointing for two reasons. First, he was stealing. Second, he couldn't outrun a mall security guard. He’s an NFL running back. Break a tackle!

The marriage rate has hit an all-time low, with 1 in 5 adults over 25 having never been married. In fact, an ad firm has come up with slogans to get people on board. One slogan is: "Marriage, satisfaction guaranteed or your money back — half of it, anyway."

Another marriage ad slogan is: "Marriage — look how happy your parents turned out." And finally: "Marriage — because happy people are annoying."

The Late Show with David Letterman
New York City is overrun with rats. We have so many rats that today Mayor Bill de Blasio was on live television asking every citizen here to make sure to have your rat neutered.

A running back for the Dallas Cowboys was arrested for shoplifting $123 worth of underpants and cologne. He was planning a big night out, I guess. I'm sure the NFL is thinking to themselves, "Oh, thank God it was just shoplifting."

Donald Trump goes through $123 in cologne before lunch.

I was very happy to see that our old friend Jay Leno is coming back to television. He's coming back to CNBC and he's got a brand-new show. Jay drives a variety of exotic vehicles, and each week he runs down a different NBC executive.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Dallas Cowboy Joseph Randle issued an apology to his teammates today after being arrested for shoplifting underwear and cologne. Randle says the incident was the biggest mistake of his life. Easy there, Randle. It's not like you signed with the Raiders.

A group called "Clowns of America" is speaking out against the way they're depicted on TV. They're especially angry at the show "American Horror Story." The problem with clowns is the angrier they get, the funnier it is.

The president of "Clowns of America" says they should be treated with dignity and respect. Sounds to me like they don't want to be treated like clowns.

It's still dry here in L.A. The mayor said residents should cut water use by 20 percent. Unfortunately, he said it in English so nobody understood him.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Macy's announced that this year they will open their stores starting at 6 p.m. on Thanksgiving day for Christmas shopping. So now there's even less time between sitting down to pray and be thankful and fighting a grandma for a flat-screen TV.

If you still have the energy to go shopping after you eat Thanksgiving dinner, you didn't do Thanksgiving dinner right in the first place. If only there were some kind of a device you could use where you could buy things and have them shipped directly to your home.

Colorado police are worried that children on Halloween might mistakenly eat edible marijuana. Marijuana is legal there and includes candies and baked goods. You can tell if your kid is high if he won't stop asking "Why?" when you answer his questions, or if he believes he has an imaginary friend.

Does your kid ride a bike around and around in circles? Does he take naps in the middle of the day or think there's something or someone hiding under the bed? Does he sit in front of the TV all day? If your child exhibits any of that behavior, call the police immediately. You probably have a little stoner on your hands.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today Bono apologized to fans for automatically adding the new U2 album to every iTunes account. Though it doesn’t help that the apology comes pre-loaded on the new Apple Watch.

It must have been a scary moment for people when they saw a U2 album in their iTunes and thought they’d accidentally grabbed their dad’s phone.

A new poll shows that only a slim majority of Americans think the country is prepared for an Ebola outbreak. But I think we deal with outbreaks pretty well. It only took us a couple of months to completely eradicate Gangnam Style.

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